What's Leftover...
Current mood: amused
So anybody who has been reading my Random Thoughts for a while knows that I am not one for keeping in contact with my ex-boyfriends. It was always the case that I was so bitter and harbored ill feelings towards them so it was easier for me to pretend that they were dead. When we'd break-up I'd tell them to delete my number and I would do the same for them and if they ever saw me in public pretend as if we never met because I was surely going to ignore them. To some people this may sound childish but this was what I needed to do to move on with my life and hey, to each his own, right?
Well after writing "You made me who I am..." I started to reminisce over all of my past relationships and how they affected my life and I realized that I actually owe each and everyone of them a big THANK YOU. You see it was after every heartbreak and failed relationship that I took the time to re-evaluate myself in hopes of making me a better, stronger person and it worked. I can honestly say with a sincere heart that I am the man I am today because of the heartache I have had to endure. Because after each of those men took something from my spirit what was LEFTOVER was a better person and for that I am grateful.
I sit and I think about the person I was before my first heart-break and I literally cringe at the thought of what I used to be. Before my first love broke my heart I was young and naive. I believe that love was this magical entity that would just enter my life and everything would be okay. I believe that I my degrees were only a selling point to make men aware of my potential to commit to something and see it through. I believe that sex was all that I had to offer a man and that sex would be enough to make him stay. Finally, I believe that my self-worth and happiness was contingent on Mr. Man being in my life.
Obviously I had a lot of learning and growing up to do and after 18 months of mental abuse and sexual slavery, I finally began to grow up. Now I would love to say that one day I woke up and decided that my life was what I made of it but this was not the case. Mr. Man broke me down to my very core, exposing every single insecurity I had and when I was of no more use I was discarded like the trash I portrayed myself to be. But after months of self-reflection and soul searching I found that what was LEFTOVER was a young man who was on the road to self-discovery and 100 times stronger than the person he was before Mr. Man entered my life. I viewed my degrees as tools for me to lived the life my ancestors did not have the opportunity to live. Most importantly, I was more guarded with whom I allowed into my life and for that I say thank you to that person.
Now y'all know that life isn't that easy and of course I had to punish myself some more and decided to date yet another man who was no good for me. But this time I entered the relationship with the weight of the world on my shoulders and my relationship suffered heavily from this. I entered this relationship guarded and afraid to give too much of myself out of fear of being hurt again. I was selfish and made the relationship all about me and what I wanted or thought I wanted. Again, I thought that sex was my major selling point at this point I had yet to find self-esteem or to even believe I was attractive. But Mr. Man changed my concept of what I relationship should be. He forced me to open up about experiences that I was uncomfortable sharing. He thought me the power of compromising and why it is so important while in a relationship. Most importantly, he told me every chance I got that I was handsome, beautiful, special, gorgeous and all those other words that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. This man single-handedly changed my perception of self and beauty...dick is a powerful thing! lol! But ultimately, I had too much baggage and was too demanding and he decided that I was not worth the hassle.
But what was LEFTOVER was a man who was confident in his looks and I finally begin to except that although I will never be skinny, having "meat on my bones" was something black men actually worshipped! I had learned the power of compromise and ready to apply it to my love life and most importantly I learned that sex, my sex was special and it was precious enough to not give to just anybody and for that I say thank you to that person.
So as you can see a lot of my growth as person has come from the many learning experiences from dating various men. Because while they took a lot from me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually what was LEFTOVER was always a better Deionte and for that I am grateful. So now I am eagerly awaiting the opportunity to see these special men and tell them THANK YOU...
...my LEFTOVERS brings all the boys to the yard!
Random Thoughts 34
Alcohol + Splits + Lesbians = trouble
So I got really drunk on Friday I blame this mainly on Ty who brought me my last drink of the night. Anywho, I was cupcaking and flirting like there was no tomorrow and a good time was had by all. So the club called Booty lets out and I am walking to my Jeep when that new Kelis "Im Bossy" which I really am came on. Well one thing leads to another and I am on my hands and knees (yet again!) flash dancing around the car of these lesbians.
Anywho, I thought it would be a good idea to do the splits on their car and then it happened. I ripped my fucking jeans and exposed my underwear. Never fear my friends I was wearing my Vicki secret boycut underwear so I was still fashionable. The moral of this story is dont do the splits on a car unless you are a video whore wearing a g-string.
You are all on notice
So lately I have been drunk dialing like no other. I called my oldest cousin Shenesha and I had a conversation about God knows, I called my friend Delia and let her a message which was hard to understand through my slurred speech and finally I left my girl Krystal a message calling her whores, I threatened to fight her and I ended the message with the words "Feliz navidad" If I have your number there is a good chance I am drunk dial you at some point this week.
Im gonna look!
This asshole accused me of staring at his penis while running around the lake yesterday. Even though he was right I was totally staring at his penis at was all his fault. If you have a large penis and you decide to run around Lake Merritt there is a good chance your gonna get some attention. Hell why do you think I do it??? Lol!
Ray of Sunshine
So Ive said it once and Ill say it again the sun brings out my inner-whore. I cant even begin to tell you how much "fun" I have been having now that the sun has decided to show its fucking face! Look out fellas Dirty Dee is on the prowl.
Who did it????
Have you even wondered who decides who a word should be spelled? I sit around a lot and think about this shit! For instance take the word dance why is it spelled that why? Come on tell me why! You cant and neither can IAm I an idiot???? Lol!
Mothers Day
I love mothers day. I have this really weird thing where I like to find the perfect card that will bring my mother to tears. If she doesnt cry her eyes out I have done my job correctly. To date I have made my mom cry 8 years in a row!
Do you know?
Did you know that myspace is popular all over the world? I did not. I thought that myspace was something that only us Americans enjoyed. But then I changed my default picture and become popular with white boys in Ireland and England. I must say that the boys from overseas are fairly kinky. You would not believe some of the random messages I have received. Ooooohhhhh why Oooohhhhh why must I be so gorgeous! Drop dead Naomi theres a new bitch on the block! Lol!
You Suck!
Wish I was str8, men suck!
Dont eat the chili
Word of wisdom to all of you. If you want a second date, dont eat chili within 48 hours of date.
Didnt know it was possible
I dont have this problem but it has been weighing on my heart for a few days. There is the black waiter at P.F. Changs in Emeryville and he has absolutely no ass what-so-ever! I was astonished by his lack of ass and I must admit it hurt my heart. His ass was so flat he had to safety pin his apron because their was no ass to help support it. Wow!
Random Thoughts 33
Pumkin your days are numbered, bitch!
Okay, so I previously wrote about saving up money to fly The Flavor of Love runner-up New York to visit Pumkin to beat her ass! For those of you who dont watch T.V. Pumkin was eliminated by Flava Flav and decided to spit in New Yorks grill. Anywho, I think spitting in someones face is extremely disrespectful and you deserve a good ol fashion ass kicking if you do so.
Well it turns out that Ms. Pumkin will be at a gay event this weekend in Oakland. Hmmmm, are you thinking what I am thinking? First off I know you are thinking why is Pumkin the ugly white chick from the Flavor of Love kicking it with homos in the bay? Yeah I wonder the same thing as well. I can only speculate that the promoter is flying that bitch out here so one of the classless, ghetto gurly bois can spit in that bitches face! Well if they dont I might as well be the one to do it. Ill keep you updated
I am on fire
Do you guys think I would be a good fire fighter? I mean sure I would not be willing to go into a burning house to save anyone not even you who are reading this random thought! Call me whatever you like but if a house is on fire, be smart and get the fuck out!
On the first day working at my current job I went into our weekly Monday meeting where I officially met the rest of my staff. This one guy looked at my and said my name is Ray and I would like to hand over my duty as Fire Safety Captain. I looked him deep in the eye and said I decline to accept that position. The staff stared at me in astonishment. Ray asked why would I decline Fire Safety Captain. I told him that fire this building caught on fire I would not be willing to go around and search to make sure that everyone had made it out safely. We all have college degrees and if you cant figure out how to get out of a 10 story burning building you deserve whatever fate has in store for you!
If there is one thing I have learned as a black man, that is how to be a survivor. No matter where I am at I am always aware of all the exits and I always have an exit plan for every situation. Shit, if I was on a cruise ship Id have my own inflatable boat. Never trust anyone to do what you can do for yourself, biotch!
Peeping Tom
So last night I was laying in my bed trying to work up enough energy to get up and pee. When all of a sudden I heard the moans of a woman having sex. I slowly got up and looked and my window on to see my next door neighbors fucking hardcore.
I know you are thinking that it was wrong of me to stare or even watch two people having sex without their consent. To that I say fuck off! I they didnt want me to see; she would have moan softer and the blinds would have been closed.
Now I have never been a fan of heterosexual sex. The vagina really grosses my out to know end. I just turned 25 and I had no idea of how the vagina even worked. Who knew there were so many holes and layers to navigate!?! To make it simple I dont trust vaginas! Lol!
Anywho, I was standing on top of my desk watching them have sex and no I was not touching myself inappropriately, lol!!!! I have to admit that is was the hottest thing I have seen in a really long time. I cant go into detail be I need to talk to the woman to get some tips because that bitch was no joke what-so-ever!
Apple Cream of Wheat
Have any of you guy had Apple Cream of Wheat? It is the best thing since sliced bread and I am craving it big time! I have searched all over for a box of just the Apple flavor but all I can find in the variety pack, ewwwwww!
You guys are all instructed to look for this item the next time you are shopping and I will do anything legal or illegal to get it! You need someone killed, no problem just present me with the box of that yummy apple cinnamon goodness! Now go out and get it!
Fiona Apple you have know idea the trouble you are in!
So my friend Darya (Mechoopda crew 99) recently bought tix for me and her to go see miss Fiona Apple. I fucking love Fiona and I have been waiting to see her live in concert since freshmen year of college. Fiona totally appeals to my angry inner white girl and thank Fiona for getting me in touch with her. Whenever I hear Ms Apple I wanna tear shit up and break things.
So when I see Fiona next month I plan to get on stage butt booty naked and flash dance to "Fast as you can" I am fully prepared to go to jail and being that I have yet to be arrested (knock on wood) I figured it is time for me to just get in it over with.
Speaking of jail did anyone watch the HBO t.v. series OZ? It was about these really hot inmate in a prison located in New York and it was totally hot. If jail was like that I would totally be willing to go for a weekend or so. There was this African dude named anabizi who is now on Lost, what was my point???
Anywho I heart FIONA APPLE
My Mind
Its official I am a crazy whore and I just wanted ever one to know that. Have you ever been sitting quietly contemplating whether or not you are crazy or is it just me? Anywho, if you guys could be in my head you would find that I am a complete mess. How I function on a daily basis is a mystery to me. At any giving moment I am thinking about a hot guy, a funny joke, a dance I would like to choreograph and a chicken dish I would like to eat.
If I didnt write down at least some of my thoughts I think I would go completely insane.
My new picture
Get over it! I am not naked. I am not masturbating. I was bored at home and decided to take some picture of MY BODY in various dance poses. This is afterall my webpage and I can do what I please, right? Again, if you dont like the picture, bulletins or blogs hit the delete button.
Ode to Oatmeal
So I am coming down from the 8th floor kitchen with my maple brown sugar oatmeal in my hand. As I turn the corner I see our hot (metrosexual) UPS guy waiting for the elevator. Now we have flirted a couple of times and I wanted to get his attention. I started walking down the stairs really hard so I could get his attention when I burn myself with my bowl of oatmeal and tripped half way down the fucking stairs.
Mr. UPS run over to help me up but I was so embarrassed that all I could do with chant "oooohhhh my God" He kept saying are you okay? And all I could say is "Oooooohhhhh my God!!!!!" He helped me up and said one last time are you okay and once again I said "Oooooohhhh my God!" His elevator came and he turned to board it. I went back upstairs to put some lotion on my now ashy arms and get some paper towel to clean up the oatmeal as well as my bruised ego. As I arrived to the seen of my horrible fall guess who was waiting for me? It was the UPS guy (Tony) he said he had never seen someone fall so gracefully and asked if I would like to go out on date!
Fuck yeah people! I still my get to live out one of my dreams of screwing in the back of a UPS truck! Hey, some people aspire to be lawyers, actresses or even President of the United States. I wanna screw in the back of a mail delivery truck. I have one word for you CLASS!
For those of you who are keeping score this is my 2nd time falling down the stairs tryna get a mans attention. Let us not forget when I fell in front of one of our interns and scolded myself with hot chocolate, geez!
Tight Jeans
I wore the wrong jeans to work today and now my legs are tingling because my pants are so tight. Not to mention that people are looking at my man bulge! Lol! I am a mess!
Random Thoughts 32
I Cant Go On!!!
For those of you who dont know Will & Grace aka the best show ever aka my reason for living will be having their series finale next Thursday, May 18th and I dont know what I am going to do with myself!
I know its sounds sad but I really look forward to seeing what crazy shananagans Will, Grace, Karen and Jack are going to get into each week. First Friends went off the air, then Sex in the City, and now Will and Grace. I am really sad about this situation. I have that awful feeling that you get in your stomach when you know will never see your friend again or at least not that often. Think back to college graduation when it sunk in that your life would never be the same and you would never see your friends as often. Next Thursday I am going to dress in funeral attire and mourn the loss of a good television series.
Geez, I need to get a fucking boyfriend or hobby and quick! I cant believe I actually just wrote this crock of bullshit! Life goes on and so will I.
Someone Send Fate The Temo
I dont know about anybody else but I think I am living the wrong life! Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would actually have to work five days a week to make a living. I always assumed that I would be famous and that the world would know who I am. I never thought much about how I would become famous, I kinda sorta just thought it would happen.
Look at me! This is not the face of a man who is working class. I should be on the news like Paris Hilton with people making rude comments about how big of a whore I am. Theres should be pictures floating around on the internet with me wearing over-sized sun-glasses and pushing a paparazzi camera out of my face. You should be able to google me and find access to one of my many sex-tapes starring various black celebrates (the list would be a whose who of the entertainment world).
But instead I am here at work writing my fucking random thoughts! Well fate if you thought you had gotten the best of DeAunta Richmond think again you son of a bitch. Look at my new picture I am sexin my frame up people. I now plan to be the gay black Jenna Jamison of the porn and stripping world. I mean I like to be naked. I live to dance. I am flexible. I enjoy sex. If you add it all up it makes me more then qualified to be successful! Lol!!!
Or maybe Ill continue my never ending search for a sugar-daddy!!!
Laundry Room Battle Royale
Okay, so the other day when I got home from work there was a note on my door which read "be ware someone is taking peoples clothes out the dryer and drying their clothes for freehow low is that!?!" Apparently, this had been going on for sometime and a few of my neighbors were just extremely pissed off by this situation.
Anywho, yesterday when I got home from work I heard a loud reckous coming from the laundry room which is three door down from my apartment. When I arrived at the laundry I saw the site manager and my neighbor in a cat fight extraordinare! My neighbor had the site manager in a head lock and was beating her with a shoe. The site manager had my neighbors arm twisted back and was pulling her hair.
I stood there and watched in disbelief. After a few minutes more neighbors came to watch the fiasco play out and finally my ghetto neighbor Shaunte asked "why you fightn?" My neighbor responded that it was the site manager who had been taking peoples clothes out the dryer. Shaunte proceeded to poor fabric softer on the site manager. It was at the point I realized I was missing the Iron Chef: America on the Food Network and I left to the two women to fight!
The Material Girl and I Will Soon Meet Face 2 Face
So at the end of this month I will be going to see Madonna in concert and I cannot express in words how unbelieveably excited I am to see this bitch in action. I love Madonna and I have waited my entire life to see her and I cannot wait to for this month to end!
Madonna has this whole 80s vibe going and my friends and I have decided to dress accordingly. My inspiration is Leroy from fame and I believe Leroy would be proud to see me shaking my ghetto booty at the concert. Okay, so I dont know if I have the balls to wear this outfit but it is the gayest thing you have ever saw!
My outfit consist of hot pink/light blue/yellow booty shorts, light blue mid-drift sweater that will be worn off the shoulders, hot pink leg-warmers, and a yellow head-band. I remains to be seen if I will actually wear this outfit because will ummmmm yeah!
To Cool For The Pool
So to get to my apartment I usually walk past the pool rather than to go through the lobby and take the elevator. So since the weather is hot, there is now this group of young teenaged girls who hang around the pool and do the homework and I pass them on a daily basis.
I am assuming these girls have no gaydar because whenever I walk past they giggle and they pass notes. I even heard they say "hes soooo cute!" So once I discovered that I had a fan club I decided that I would have a little fun. I would walk past the pool with no shirt on or I would stand there and talk on the phone in a deep manly voice, unlike the one voice the Lord blessed me with (how lame am I?)
Anywho, I decided to wear my sunglasses to work because I have a 15 minute work and the sun had been killing my eyes. The only problem is that my shades makes everything appear to be closer than it actually is. So yesterday I am walking past my fan club and I see a puddle of water. Being that I danced and I knew the girls were watching I decided to do a jete or a leap across the puddle (side note: only a gay dancer who is trying to flirt with girls would think that doing a leap across a puddle would be sexy, fucking ridiculous) Anywho, I did my leap which was fan-fucking-tastic but remember that my shades makes everything appear to be closer. I landed and almost broke my fucking ankle! I fell and almost fell in the fucking pool. Those little bitches were laughing at me so I grabbed my shit and run up the stairs like a big loser!
Now your friend DeAunta who is 25 years old is now too embarrassed to walk past the pool full of 15 year old judgemental high school whores!!!!
Drink-o de Mayo!!!
Okay, so I have to tell you about my Cinco De Mayo.
So with me being 25 years old and all I have decided that it was time for me to act more like an adult and stop getting wasted all the fucking time! So within the last 2 in a half months I have went out a total of 6 days, wow! Anywho, with drink-o de mayo rapidly approaching I decided that I was gonna go out and get shitty drink with my sister, lets call her Key-low'low.
So Key-low'low arrives at my apartment at 10:15pm and she was more than ready to go out. She arrived in the jean skirt outfit that was extremely revealing. Her boobs were pushed up to her chin and skirt was soooooo short that you could see her coochie, no lie!
So we go into my apartment, have a drink, make last minute adjustments and hit the road. So we meet up with my friend Omar so we can partake in the drink specials at Ibiza the club we to. Ibiza had a killer cinco de mayo special so we took advantage. It was 2 get in for $10 before 11pm and $1 tokyo teas, long island, and white Russians, and adios motherfuckers! So me, Key-low'low, and Omar each other five drinks and proceeded to drink all five in 40 minutes.
So now the club is packed and it is time to start tramping and what not. So my sister goes and hangs out with her lesbian/bi friends and I go and hang out with my friends. So periodically my sister and I would touch base with one another to check in but all of a sudden my sister is no where to be found. I went to search for her but when I couldnt find her I just assumed she was screwing someone in the bushes or something raunchy like that.
So I am on the patio gossiping with my ex-roommate with the DJ says Will DeAunta please come to the womens restroom!?! So my roommate and some of my friends follow me to the restroom. Upon entering the handicap stall I found my sister hunch over on the toilet in a drunk stupor with drool running from her mouth and her coochie showing! She had puke all over the stall and needless to say we were being thrown out the bar. So I am carrying my incoherent sister out to my jeep but the bar owner is yelling at me because I cannot for the life of me figure how to carry her out without showing her coochie again her skirt was that short.
So I throw my sister down in the lobby while I go to get me jeep. But the police are in the parking lot doing breathalyzer checks I am in not in the mood to deal with the po-po! So finally drive my jeep to the front of the bar to get my sister. So I throw her in the backseat of my jeep and I drive off. While driving I am giving Key-low'low a pep talk and trying to get her to sober up somewhat. Apparently she was not feeling my pep talk because she proceeded to puke in the backseat of my jeep.
So we finally get to my apartment and I realize that I have to carry my sister (who is nothing but dead weight at this point) from the streets to the third floor of my apartment where I live. It took me at least 30 minutes to accomplished this task. But unfortunately, I dropped my poor sister 3 times and once I actually dropped her on her head! By the time I reached the third floor I was out of energy so I had no other choice but to place Key-low'low on the floor, grab her by the ankles and drag her to my apartment.
What really pisses me off is that 1. I did not close the deal with one of my crushes and I dont know when I will see him again because I never go out! 2. My jeep smells like puke and 3. This bitch woke up the next morning without a fucking hang over! I was like you have to be kidding me! She was walking around giggling, skipping and what not. Meanwhile I have the mother of all hangovers and I was unable to give my friend the sloppy, drunken lap-dance I promised!
Random Thoughts 30, YAY!
Bad sex hurts my feeling
Okay, so have any of you ever had bad, awful, I wish this could just be over sex? Well unfortunately this horrible situation happened to me last nite! So, I was watching Sex in the City (ironic) when Mr. Man called and said he was in the area and wanted to know if he could come over to "visit." I had just finished a 15 minute concert of singing in the shower and everything on my body was oooohhhhh so fresh and so clean! So I told him that it was cool and that he should definitely come on over.
So 15 minutes later I buzzed him in and I was really excited. It was the kind of excitement you feel when you have been waiting inline to get on a rollercoaster and you are next to get on the ride. So he comes in and I wasted no time with small talk. It was 10:42pm and Will & Grace comes on at 11pm. I was hoping to get his ass in and out in with enough time to see the final episode at 11:30pm. So we do the usual stuff gay men do before sex and if you do not know what that is then shame on you, you homophobe (just kidding). Its the same stuff heteros do but just imagine 2 penises and no nasty vaginas...eww!
So now it is time for the for actual sex and it was ackward from the start. There was this brief moment when we were staring at one another wondering who was gonna do who (youll never guess who won the stare down! Lol!) Okay, so things start and it was awful! I was soooo fucking bored I started to think about how many loads of laundry I needed to do this weekend. At one point the sex was so bad that I took the letters from my first and last name and started to make words from them. I decided that enough was enough. I got up in mid thrust and said maybe you should go, he had a blank look on his face. He got dressed and I showed him to the door and gave him a Hawaiian Punch for effort! Note to self: Delete his number and never call him again!
Its your gayness that makes you look gay
So, I have been having major issues with my wardrobe as of lately. When I stare in the mirror after I get dressed sometimes the only thing I can think is "I look really fucking gay right now" So I would change outfits and the same thought would pop into my head.
So after months of torturing myself and criticizing my closet I decided that it is not my clothes that makes me appear to be gay, rather it is my gayness that makes me look gay. But as I sat on the toilet recently thinking about this situation I wondered is it a bad thing to look gay? I mean after all I am in fact gay. So my appearance is a direct representation of who I am.
I also wondered if the real issue I was battling was my being insecure with myself and sexuality.
I wish I would have never majored in fucking Psychology. First off I feel the need to analyze every fucking thing, furthermore since I only have bachelors in Psychology so I dont know enough shit to connect all the dots. Plus it doesnt help that I didnt really pay any attention in class. Hell for senior seminar I would go drunk from drinking my lunch at Normal Street BarTheres nothing like an Adios Motherfucker to get you through 2 in a half hours of Evolutionary Psychology! This issue doesnt have a conclusion because obviously I have some shit to work out.
I feel fucking old!
I sat down the other day and tried to watch MTV and it was next to impossible. I was in disbelief as I watch my TV screen. Girl in short clothing (ooohhhhhh the horror) and guys without their shirts on (gasp). What the fuck was I watching? I felt as if the children on this show lacked any morals or values what so ever. Then it dawned on me that I was watching the new season of the Real World and those children were the cast members. I remember waaaaaay back when I auditioned to be on the Real World and actually flew in to interview with some of the producers.
But now I felt as if I had nothing in common with these children. One of the cast members is 18 years old. Let me repeat that she is 18 years old, I dont even know any teenagers who are not family members. This is sad. What happened to my youth? Where the fuck is it hiding? I am 25 years old, I work fulltime, correctly researching stock options, and trying to raise my credit score in hopes of getting a house. I am sorry to inform all of you that I am become an ADULT. Excuse me while I go vomit up my breakfast in disgust! Life sucks and then you wake up and have to go to work! =(
Television is making me depressed
So all my favorite shows are going off the air and I dont know what to do! First friends, then Sex in the City, and now Will & Grace! What the fuck I am going to do with my free time? Why without my favorite television programming I might actually have to go out and meet people and create my own funny adventures. I simply dont have time for this. If I am out and about having fun and actually doing stuff, when will I have time to daydream or sit on my ass and do nothing? I tried to watch Desperate Housewives but there is too much drama for me to deal with, not enough men for me to fantasize about, and most importantly there is not enough African Americans represented on the show to keep my attention.
I realized that awhile ago and decided that I would not watch any new shows that did not have a decent representation of minorities on the show. I mean is it that hard to imagine or create a show that has some diversity or are white people the only ones in America who fall in love and have crazy things happen to them on a daily basis? Now I am not racist and anyone who looks at the bulk of my myspace friends will tell you that. But I would just to see someone who looks like me on television (who isnt make a fool of themselves on the UPN).
Pussy
I want a pussycat! My apartment is too big to live there alone and I need a roommate of some sort. I think the best thing for me to do is to get a cat. Her name will be either Foxxy Cleopatra, Honey Child, or Appreciontay Escalade Jackson.
I had a cat when I was in Chico but she was kittynapped and I never saw her again. We would have the gayest time together. I would cut the sleeves of my shirts and would create one of a kind kitty couture just for my precious Kitty. God, help me new cat! Lol!
The Flava of Love
Okay, so I am still pissed the fuck off by what Pumkin did to New York (if you dont know what I am talking about you should be shot and killed on the spot!). Basically, Pumkin was eliminated from the show and spit into New Yorks face. Spitting in someones face is the most disrespectful thing you can do. On the reunion show the producers would not allow New York to beat Pumkins ass like she wanted to. I think we all need closure from this situation. I am going to track down New York and offer to pay her airfare to beat Pumkins ass. If you are down to pitch in let me know!
Random Thoughts 29
Okay, so it has been around 6 months since I posted a Random Thought blog/bulletin and I thought I would sit down and write one today. A lot of shit has changed since my last Random Thought. My Grandmother passed away (R.I.P.), I moved into my very own apartment, and I have started a small event planning business.
Other then that I have been working which I am really over. Why was I in such a hurry to graduate from college? I fucking hate work. My job is cool but I just dont wanna work no mo! I am still in search of a decent sugar-daddy so if you know someone send him (hell send her) my way!
Pondering about trees
Okay, so for some I feel the urge to know if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? I mean unless you are there how do you really know? I feel really stupid because I have been thinking about this for some time now. Wow, thanks for the wonderful education Richmond Unified School District and Chico State, lol!
Fucking rain sucks my taint
I am so glad that it finally stopped raining for a spell. I was seriously going to throw myself out a window if I had to deal with another consecutive day of fucking raining.
Whoring for gas
So the price of gas is ridiculously high and I cannot even imagine paying $3+ for gas, especially since the oil companies made a profit last summer of $300 million+. There is this really cute Iranian (or I think he is from Iran or Iraqwhatever maybe he is black with "good" hair) guy who works at the Chevron by my house. Would you guys think less of me if I offer him my body in exchange for a full tank of gas? Okay, Okay maybe just a hand job?
Flu and the emergency room
So I was deathly ill last week and I one point I thought I was gonna die! Yeah you guys know I am dramatic but I was really sick. I was vomiting uncontrollable for 2 days str8 and I could not hold down any fluids. So after 15 minutes of praying to God and asking him what I had done to deserve such pain? I decided to call the Kaiser advice nurse of conversation went a little something like this:
Nurse: Hello, what is your medical emergency?
Me: (said in a weak voice) I think I am dying
Nurse: What are your symptoms?
Me: I have basic flu symptoms, plus extreme stomach and back pain, vomiting, and a migraine.
Nurse: What color is your stool?
Me: Ummmm, I dont have a color wheel to give you a color sample.
Nurse: Sir I need to know this information.
Me: I guess its the color of P. Diddy?
Nurse: What color is you vomit?
Me: It the color of Shaq from the Miami Heat.
Nurse: Wow, I think you need to come in for treatment!
Rileys Anniversary
So I went to Chico for Rileys Anniversary and it was good times to say the least. Every time I drive to Chico I always expect for things to look different and yet when I arrive everything is still the same. Its always good times to see old friends and then proceed to get completely shit-faced for less then $20 a night!
Although I did notice that a lot of the female undergraduates have beer guts. Ladies please get your shit together and realize if you are going to drink like a fish you should at least exercise somewhat. I am amazed that these have friends that allow them to go out with fat hanging out the side of the jeans, skirts, and or shirtsfucking gross.
Janae if you are reading this, you totally made my trip to Chico worth it! You are a true party animal and I have a lot to learn!
Smelia, you are a great hostess. I am sorry for cursing you out in a great stupor =(
Running around the lake
So I live by Lake Merritt and I frequently run around the lake trying to sex my frame up and step my game up. Anywho, usually when I run around the lake I wear a frat t-shirt and sweats. But lately I have had the desire to dress like the white boys and wear short shorts and tank tops with Adidas. Would you guys make fun of me I choice to join the other side?
KFC Snackers and addiction
You guys I need your prayers. I am addicted to those little 99cent snackers at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Everyone already knows that I have a weakness for boneless of any flavor and I believe that KFC is exploiting my weakness! I used to cook on a regular basis and now all I do is go to KFC and get 2 crispy snackers and 1 bbq. I have reached the point where I am embarrassed to even go to KFC anymore. Things are so bad I went online to get directions to all the KFC around my apartment so I can alternate locations. I need help!!!!!!
Drinking at home is not okay!
I love vodka and I especially love Smirnoff green apple twist flavored vodka. So things started off innocent and I would make a little drink to go with my KFC snackers. But soon things got out of control and I soon found that instead of going out I would stay at home and get completely shit-faced. I would throw raging drunk dance parties, I would wake up wearing different outfits then when I started drinking and worst I started drunk dialing. Be careful when you allow alcohol in your apartment, it makes everything complicated!
I am not cheap, well maybe just a little bit
Okay, so my friend and I were discussing protocol when out on a date. As our conversation went on I told him that I have never and will never pay for dinner when on a date. I never ask anyone out so that means that I should not have to pay for dinner, right? Anywho, he said that it disrespectful for me to assume that I dont have to pay for the meal especially since I am out on a date with another man.
Fuck that! The universal dating rule is who ever suggests dinner is the person who pays and I totally agree with this rule. After all, I bring a lot when I go out on a date. I am always cute, I have a pretty smile to look at, I am funny (or at least people tell me I am funny), I flirt and most importantly if you are cute and the dinner is good I will put out in some way, shape or form. So its a win, win situation for everyone involved. Oooohhhhh and I am dont offer to pay the tip unless the waiter is cute! Lol!
Sex with ex-boyfriends
So my friend and I were debating the pros and cons of sleeping with your ex. Our friend break up with her boyfriend of 18 months last month and after 3 weeks of mourning she claims that she is over him and now they have great sex without any emotion. My personal belief is that it is impossible to have sex with an ex and not feel some sort of emotion. Sure it feels good at the moment but afterwards the fact remains that you just had sex with someone you are no longer in a relationship with. How can you just put aside all of your feelings and history all for the sake of having an orgasm?
How long should it take to get over your ex.
While we are on the issue of exs. I was recently watching Sex in the City and Charlotte said that it takes 1/3 of the total time you were together with your ex to get over the relationship. I sat on my bed and thought about Charlottes comment and I am not so sure that it is that cut and dry or if you can use a math equation to tell you when you should get over someone you cared about.
No math equation can factor in the way the person made you feel, special moments you will never be able to forget, moments of lust and passion that cause your body temperature to rise when thinking about it. While it is true that it is unhealthy to sit around and thinking about your ex for the rest of your life I am not sure if anyone reason gets over an ex lover whereas they have just been able to move on with life.
Piece of Mind
I recently moved into my own apartment by Lake Merritt and I must admit that moving into my apartment has been one of the best decisions I have ever made! At first the mere thought of being alone with my thoughts was more then I can bare think about. I am constantly in a state of thought and I have yet to figure out how control my brain. Many times I find myself alone thinking of hurtful memories from the past and no matter how hard I try I can not change my train of thought. Sometimes it feels as if I am inflicting self-punishment on myself by constantly playing out these unwanted memories from my past.
Anywho, I moved into my apartment on the 3rd of this month and my first major obstacle would undoubtedly be staying the night in my apartment all by myself. To my surprise not only was I able to stay in my apartment alone but I was able to figure out a lot of the mistakes I was making in my life. I realized that I can be too aggressive and that sometimes I need to be able to go with the flow. I have control issues and I feel the need to always be in charge and when I am not I feel extremely uncomfortable. There is an old Christian saying which reads "let go and let God" it is so simple and yet so powerful when you think about it.
It was only when I truly started to pray with an open heart as well as an open-mind that positive changes started to occur in my life. For all too long I would take my many burdens down to the alter on Sunday morning. Instead of leaving my troubles at the alter I would walk back to my seat with more anxiety then when I entered the church. I will not quote bible verses because I find that to be pretentious and it rubs me the wrong way. Anywho, the Lord ask that you put your faith in him and only when you give yourself and well as your troubles to the Lord can your prayers truly be answered.
I realized that no matter how many blogs I write about how Mr. Man has done me wrong that I needed to take full responsibility for my lackluster love life. I now understand that part of my problem was that I was entering these "relationships" full of doubt and that is not the way to enter any relationship. Instead of using wishful thinking and being hopefully I was cursing the relationship for day one.
My Auntie Sheila always says that "you attract what you are". For the longest time I thought she was full of shit and that that saying had to be wrong. Be as I look back on my history of relationships and my state of my mind, I was in fact attracting what I was. Maybe it wasn't exactly what I was but it was damn close! When I was insecure with my body I attracted men who only wanted me for my body and nothing else. Once I graduated from college and thought that my shit didn't stink. I attracted a man who took me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life. So you see I was attracting what I was but at the opposite of the spectrum…does any of this make sense??? (Anywho, this subject will be a spin-off blog…stay tuned)
Anywho, my cup is running over with excitement because I now realize that this life is what I make of it. And I for one am not going to sit around and complain about what I don't have, I am going to go out take it. Or at least make the necessary changes to make them more obtainable. Geez, I do enjoy these moments of clarity, the only problem is following through with them so that I am not just blowing smoke up your asses!
Ladies Remember...
Ladies remember...
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
NEVER borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Random Thoughts 28?
Do you have a night light!?!
Okay, so I move into my very own apartment in 9 days and you would think that I would be excited. Last night my roommate did not come home and I had to stay at our apartment all by my lonesome. Ummmm, I don’t think I am ready to leave by myself. I was sooo scared last night I could have shit my pants. Actually I would have shit my pants but I was scared that I would have to leave my bed if I did so. I slept with the bathroom light on, my room door locked and the covers over my head.
I called my ex and told him to come over and spend the night because I was scared but for he never showed up…son of a bitch. I think I have made a mistake deciding to live on my own…I am so stressed out now. I think about all the positives that come from living on my own such as: walking around naked all the time, I can masturbate whenever I want and not have to worry about getting caught, and I wont have to worry about being to loud during sexual relations. I need something to keep me occupied while I am alone in my apartment. I think I wanna get a cat and name her Pussy Galore.
I hate that little bastard
I am so happy to be leaving my neighbors The Garcia’s for one simple reason, I fucking hate their 7 year old son. Frankly, I don’t like little kids to begin with. They cry, they don’t really do anything, they cost too much money and they are they reason I cant party with a lot of my friends anymore.
Anywho, my neighbors 7 year old son Pico is constantly crying over something and it drives me up the fucking wall. He will sit outside and cry for 15 minutes non-stop and his parents will just ignore him. Or he’ll throw a fucking fit and again his parents will ignore him. One day I was so fed up with Pico’s bullshit I told him to "shut up and not to cry in front of my fucking door!" I have no tolerance for unruly and undisciplined children. So I suggest everyone keep their kids away from me unless you wanna fight me for kicking your child in the throat for making too much damn noise!
PF Chang’s Crispy Honey Chicken
I haven’t been to PF Chang’s in like 3 or 4 weeks and I think I am going to die! I need, no I crave PF Chang’s tasty crispy honey chicken with white rice. Oooohhhhh how I would love to lay on a table and have my body be covered with the tasty pieces of deliciousness. My mouth is watering, my legs are shaking, my naughty region is tangling just thinking about the next time I will get a chance to enjoy the love of my life aka PF Chang’s Crispy Honey Chicken.
No I will not add you and leave me alone
Is it just me or are the people on myspace getting super aggressive? I get numerous friends of friends requesting my friendship and frankly I don’t want to be bothered. I have 250 something "friends" on this site and half of them should be deleted from one reason or another. All of a sudden within the last few weeks everybody wants to have a gay friend and guess I am one of the more accessible people to find.
The thing that kills me is when they ask for your friendship and you deny it, they send you a message wanting to know why. As if I know them explanation of my reasoning. When I don’t respond they get super pissed off and are well I didn’t really want to be your friend in the 1st place. Ummm, wow how old are we? I swear if myspace didn’t allow me to take like 67 surveys a day I would never come on this fucking site.
Valentine’s Day, You Suck!
Okay, so V-day is in 19 days and I am less than excited. I have yet to actually have a valentine on Valentine’s Day. I am already an emotion wreck from thinking about living own my own apartment all by myself. Now I have to deal with everyone else being in love and sharing it with their significant others. I literally can’t deal with the thought of V-day this year and the thought of it makes me wanna go out on a roof top and start shooting people.
Shhhhhhh Don’t Tell Nobody
So I am on Bart minding my own business when I get a tap on the shoulder. I start to turn around to see who it is and somebody immediately says "don’t look back at me" So I am confused and I am a little nervous because I was unsure if I was being robbed or not. Then this man whispers in my ear that I am cute and that he wants my number. So I start to turn around to see what he looks like and again he is like don’t turn around. So me not being one for foolish games asks why cant I turn around and he responds "because I am on the DL and I don’t want anyone to know that I am gay."
Okay, so I am understand that I am not one of the most masculine men in the Bay Area. But how does talking to me on Bart immediately implicates that you are gay. So I get really pissed off and I am getting ready to curse his sorry ass out. Next thing I know he slides me a note which reads "do you like me yes or no…if so give me your number" I swear this is a true story. So I respond how the hell can I know if I like you if I don’t even know what you look like! He then tells me to look into the window and then I will be able to see his reflection. So now I am really pissed off and I yell "Is this a fucking joke!?!" I quickly turn around and I am like dude, you’re a fucking joke. First of all passing notes is extremely childish and second of all if you are to scared to talk to me on a Bart full of losers and strangers how the hell can we have a conversation of the phone.
So Mr. Man gets up and goes to the next Bart train. Me being me I decided to follow his ass and finish what I had to say. As I entered the next Bart Train I saw Mr. Man and he had this terrified look on his face. At that moment I decided to turn around and go back to my sit. I remembered that I was once that guy who had crush on other men but was too afraid to show my true feelings. I also remember how alone and hard life was when I attempted to be str8 or was in the closet. I followed the young men when he got off Bart and give him my number.
Brownies
I made some of the best brownies in my life last night. Martha Stewart watch your fucking back, bitch!
Random Thoughts 27
You want me to put that where?
This is what I heard this morning from my upstairs neighbors. In a previous random thought I told you how they wake me up every morning around 6:30am with their screwing ritual. Yep every weekday like clock work they start screwing and it wakes me up. The husband is this huge African guy with a giant penis. One might ask why De’Aunta how do you know he has a huge penis? Well one day I was in the laundry room washing clothes and he came in wearing basketball shorts. For those of you who did not know guys usually wearing basketball short with no underwear and because of this you can get a read of how big their penis is. Anywho, he’s African and he penis is large and in charge. His wife this poor woman is very tiny and I can only imagine what damage he has done to her…kinda like shaquille O’neal and his wife, yikes!
Anywho, the wife likes it when he talks dirty and when he talks dirty shit get extremely freaky up there. Their sexcapades rock my entire room. Sometimes it feels as if I am getting screwed because I swear I can feel every thrust of their bodies. So this morning I decided to open my window to get some fresh air and luck would have it that they had their window open as well. So he’s talking dirty and saying the usual "yeah, bitch you like that" and so on and so forth when all of a sudden I hear Awwwwwww and the sex comes to a halt. Then I hear the husband yell, "You want me to put that where!?!" It appears that they were having sex with a dildo and the wife decided to penetrate her husbands anus…OMG I love my life!
This is my bubble, please don’t pop it!
Okay, so everyone knows I take Bart to work. Everyone also knows that I hate to be around people in public places, I think I am in the early stages of forming social anxiety. Anywho, I hate riding Bart because these days’ people have no respect for your fucking personal space and it drives me crazy! So today I am sitting on Bart listening to my Nano and watching this really cute businessman type on his laptop. Anywho, I get to the North Berkeley station and a gang of people gets on the Bart. It was just my luck that this fucking hippy decides to sit next to me and I was less than pleased. First off he no deodorant on, his hair was smelly, he was a loud breather and worst he had no sense of personal space. I swear the last time I was that close to a man I lost my fucking virginity! So after two stops I decide I cant take it anymore and I turned to him and said "This is my bubble, please don’t pop it!" while drawing an invisible circle around my body. I hate people!
So You Think You Can Dance
Okay, so I fucking love the fox television show "So You Think You Can Dance" and the only thing I fucking love more than the show was the dancers Melody who had the best extensions ever! Blake who is like the perfect dancer and then there was Nick, ooooohhhhhhh Nick the who is dare I say it, the love of my life. I am not usually into white boys but if Nick ever comes to the Bay I swear I will go to jail for stalking or harassment! Just kidding…or am I?
Anywho, I plan to audition for the 2nd season of "So You Think You Can Dance" and I just know I will make the final 16! I plan to dance to Madonna’s "Hung Up" and I am going to wear the exact same costume as Madonna! For those of you who have yet to see the video she wore leg warmers, spandex tights, a leotard, and sassy spandex shirt. Obviously I will look uber gay but that is the least of my worries. My main concern is how to tuck my balls so they don’t hang out while I am shaking my groove thang!
The Bachelor
I have found true love! Okay, so I was flipping through the TV Sunday after watching the Golden Globes for like 10 hours. When it happened, I saw the love of my life, The Bachelor. His name is Travis and he is 33 years old and everything you could want in a man aka 6’4 and an ER Doctor, hello! As I watched the show I felt my heart open up like a rose that had just started to bloom. My heart was filled with joy and my soul was full with happiness, I love you Travis! Now all I have to do is relocate to Tennessee, found Travis and convince him that he is gay and into short, sassy black men with an addiction to boneless chicken breast. Ooooohhh chicken how I adore you. Don’t be mad, you know that you will always be my one and only true love. Anywho, I think our commitment ceremony with be February 14, 2007…I’ll keep you all updated! Wow, 2006 might be the year of white chocolate for De’Aunta!
Drive a car; drive a plane, who cares as long as I am drunk!
You guys I have some extremely sad news to report. I no longer drink like a fish and as a result my life is really fucking lame. Do you guys remember the good ol’ days when I would get drunk on The Castro and then write all about it the next day on myspace? Well those days are few and in between now! Lots of people ask me why don’t you do as many random thoughts as you used to. My reply is that without alcohol I am just as regular normal De’Aunta who does regular things like everybody else. Without alcohol there will be no late night booty calls, no dance offs on the Castro, no stealing lube from Walgreen’s and getting caught. Without vodka I might as well be (gasp) str8! What am I saying? This is crazy talk! Why alcohol stands for everything that I hold sacred and dear to my heart! I will drink again and dammit Drunken Madness shall continue, it has to continue…. hallejuah!
If God meant for woman and man to marry he would have given women penises!
My friends are about to have their lame ass commitment ceremony and instead of putting me in the wedding they have decided to have me read a fucking poem. Frankly, I think they know I look better than they do and if the put me in the wedding I will steal the show! Plus their wedding colors and white on white and everyone know I look damn near virginal will I wear all white…it’s a fact! Lol! I will not allow them to shame me into reading some lame ass poem but that’s okay because I have a plan. I’m gonna take like 3 viagra’s and wearing the tightest outfit I can find, we’ll see who gets the attention! Muuuuuuaaahahahahahahahahaha victory shall be mine! What the fuck I am talking about!?!
Please don’t take my sunshine away!
First Sex in the City, Then Friends and now Will & Grace will be going off the air! Yes people this is Will & Grace’s final season and I don’t think I can handle it. What am I supposed to do with my life without good television programming??? I live for Will & Grace and I can’t imagine life before or after it. Most of all I will miss Meghan Malally aka Karen Walker aka Anastasia Beaverhousen. She’s rich, has giant boobs, and she is always drunk. Why Karen Walker is everything I want to be. Why God? Why have you forsaking me? Why do you continue to take my beloved TV shows away from me? Damn, DAMN, DAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNN!
Get it together Janet Miss Jackson if you’re nasty (and I am)
So Miss Janet has really put on the pounds these days! I saw some pictures of her online at
www.thesuperficial.com and it was not a pretty sight to see! This website is the best thing ever and I encourage everyone to go there to stay abreast of all the celebrity gossip. And if you hate Paris "flat tits, no ass" Hilton as much as I do then you are in for a treat!
Mariah Scarey get some class!
I love Mariah’s "Emancipation of Mimi" CD but I am soooooooo tired of seeing her fucking boobs and coochie every time she lives her apartment. We get it, you’re a woman and you have woman parts. Geez I have seen so much of Mariah’s body you would think I was her boyfriend or pimp at the very least! I plan to write her a nasty letter to tell her to get her shit together and to put on some clothes! Also since Mariah has so much money I think she should invest in some dance lesson. I swear she can’t even walk on rhythm. Personally I would like to take away her black card. She can’t dance and she always has white boys in her videos. Either show is your ghetto-side or get to the back of the bus, bitch!
Random Thoughts 26
Random Thoughts 20???Damn you PG&E, Damn You Straight To Hell
Okay, so I have been living in my apartment for the last 11 months with absolutely no problems for Ms. PG&E. Every month my roommate and I get our bill and it’s usually about $40 to $50 a month. So a few days ago my roommate and I start to calculate our bills and then we open up our fucking PG&E and I almost shit my pants! Can you believe those bastards are charging us $329.57 for one month? This has to be some sort of mistake because I for one am not going to pay that kind of money on electricity and gas. So now my roommate and I are freezing our asses off by not even considering using the heater. Last night we almost got into a fistfight because I left the bathroom light on, as if! Last night I went to bed wearing socks, slippers, sweat pants, frat t-shirt, Chico state hoodie, and a do-rag to keep my head warm! Do you PG&E, damn you straight to hell!
Sexy Lady On Bart
I swear men are fucking idiots! I was Bart today on my way to work when this attractive woman entered the Bart and sat down across from me. All the men on the Bart just stared at her and they did not even bother to hide it! Even though the Bart was pretty much empty all the men who boarded Bart after her all sat by her trying to get her attention. Some of them pulled out their laptops and started banging on the keyboard as if they were doing work. Others would talk on their cell phones and make “business deals.” But one guy took the cake. He actually walked up and said, “Couldn’t help but to notice you noticing me and I wanted to give you my business card.” He was dead serious. All the while the most attractive lady on Bart (which is me if you didn’t know) was sitting alone listening to “Hit me baby one more time” on my Ipod Nano. I guess I am too damn attractive for my own good! lol!
Flavor Flav
Okay so Flavor Flav has a new show on VH1 where 15 women fight, yes you read correctly, they fight to be Flavor Flav’s girlfriend. These women are attractive in that I’m a straight male and I’ll fuck anything with a vagina kind of way. But I am almost positive that they can find someone more attractive than Flavor Flav. I am convinced that there is a snapper outside of the house and if any of them try to escape they will be executed on spot! How else could you explain women literally fist fighting to be alone with him? I would sooner cut off my penis, sauté it in teriyaki sauce and eat it when steamed white rice!
Adult life = Boring
So I’ve decided that need to slow my roll with partying and tramping for 2006. Now this is not and I repeat this is not a New Years Resolution because I think those things are fucking lame. This is more of me realizing that I will be 25 in March and it is about time I move on to whatever the next phase in my life will be. As a result I am not sure how much fun I will be for 2006. I a lot of friends who have decided to grow up and I find them to be fucking lame and they bore me to no end! Don’t get me wrong I would like nothing more than for all my friends to be happy but I really don’t want to hear about it all the time. Its okay if you are in a relationship, just to bore me with the fucking details. Wow, you’re pregnant, spare me the details of your vagina torture stories! Ooooohhhh my God how exciting you and such in such just moved in together, no I will buy you a fucking house warming gift! Adult life sucks and I am already over it! I may have to reconsider this life change I had in mind.
My look-a-like
Okay, so at my cousin Krystal’s b-day I met a guy who was wearing the exact same outfit as me. We also had the exact same haircut, we are the same height, we talk alike, and we have all the same mannerisms. The only difference between him and I is that I have a car, my own apartment, college degrees and my booty rounder than his booty which is wider than mine. Oooohhh yeah and I am 3 years older than he is. Yeah that’s right I sized his ass up because I guess he is now my competition.
Come to find out he recently dated my ex-boyfriend and he now does not like me because he believes that I will steal away any of his potential booty-calls or boyfriends. People this is a true story. Anywho, whenever we bump into each other it is never a pretty sight because we are both super competitive and I refuse to let some young flamer beat me!
Now at first things started off friendly because it was kind of like we were twins of some sort. But then I realized that he was dating all of my ex’s and old hookups and that made uncomfortable. Now when we see each other we roll our eyes and size each other up on the spot. People I can only assume that things will get worst before they get better. However, I am confident that I will reign victorious in this battle for many reasons. I am confident because my body is body than his; I have more to offer and one fact that I cannot deny. I am a crazy bitch and I will take his young ass out at any moment if need be! God, I do love being gay, only in the gay world can shit like this happen!
If you don’t like it, delete my black ass!
Someone complained that me along with other friends spend out too many postings. My response was that you don’t have to open any of the bulletins unless you absolutely want to. After further thought I deleted this person because this is only myspace and I am on here for absolutely one reason and that is to kill time at work. I keep in touch with everyone I would like to be in touch with. If I could not do surveys on this freaking site I would never log on. So I say if my posting are too frequent for you to deal with DELETE ME, I promise you I wont give a good gotdam!
Let’s Hook-up for old times sake!
Why do we continue to hook-up with our ex’s? Why know that this will only lead to further heartache or disappointment and yet we continue to hook-up. This situation really bothers me because it seems to be almost impossible to broke-up with someone on “good” terms and not continue to hook-up with them. I think I need to join the witness protection service and change my alias and appearance to get away from my ex. I believe this is the only way I can break free of the lustful cycle of hooking up with someone I know is 150% wrong for yours truly!
P. Diddy
There are so many things that are just not right with Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. First there are his teeth that are horrible, his diction is atrocious, and when he takes off his $500 sunglasses his looks as if he has some sort of mental handicap. Even though I realize all of this I must admit that I am in love with Sean “P. Diddy” Combs and if I could have his love child I would do it this second. What can of voodoo has this evil man put on me???
Fucking Forrest Gump
So Forrest Gump came on TBS the other day and I swear I cried like no other. This is simply not okay! Picture me sitting on my bed Indian style, crying my eyes out and blowing my nose into a sock. Yes I blew my nose in a sock I was too emotional to get up and get some tissue! And that’s all I have to say about that!
Random Thoughts from New Years
I’m Damn Old for New Years
So for some reason I wasn’t really into New Years this year. I didn’t make any exciting plans or buy a new outfit, there was absolutely no planning that went into this day at all. So I am sitting at home scratching my ass and doing nothing when my roommate comes home at 5 and he says “bitch, we are not sitting in this fucking house, lets go to The Castro!” So with our News Year plans kinda sorta set we started to get super fucked up!
Too Ghetto for their own good
So my roommate and I arrive in downtown SF around 11pm and were we kind of nervous. We had never caught public transportation to The Castro and we did have much time to spare before it was midnight. So we exited the parking garage and there were at least 30 teenaged ghetto fabulous teenaged boys on the corner causing trouble. Now my roommate and I are dressed in some of our gayest clothing and we were sure we would have to confront the thugs standing on the corner for making gay jokes. Luckily, they were so busy calling women out of their names that they didn’t even notice us. Some of their inappropriate comments were as follows and the comments after are my thoughts:
Ayyyyy bitch can I get your number...
-Lets face it what better way to get a young lady to give you her number by calling a bitch!
Ayyyyy bitch with the big booty you wanna fuck tonight?
-Finding out a young lady’s sexual plans for the night is pertinent information for any sexually active young man.
Ayyyyy hoe you have some pretty dick sucking lips!
-Giving a woman a compliment is a sure way to get her in bed!
Ayyyy bitch you makin’ my dick hella hard!
-Informing a woman that you are able to get an erection will allow her to make an opinion of whether or not she wants to sleep with you.
Faruk The Taxi-Cab Driver
So my roommate and I decided that we needed to catch a cab to The Castro because (1) we were too cute to ride public transportation (2) we were cold as fuck wearing next to nothing on Market Street looking like gay prostitutes (3) we needed to get fucked up and find someone to make-out by midnight. So I did my best Julia Roberts impersonation from “Pretty Woman” and got us a cab. Once in the cab me and my roommate proceeded to make complete asses of ourselves. We were convinced that we were going to on HBO’s Taxi-cab Confessions so we are totally giving Faruk our taxi-cab driver waaaaay too much information. We discussed anal sex, the art of a good blow job, the war on terror and believe me you haven’t fully discussed this situation until you’ve discussed it with someone from Iraq! And finally we wanted to know if Iraqian’s (if that is a real word) had big dicks…the world may never know!
Give me 1 sex on the beach and 2 long islands and make them extra long!
So once I got inside of the bar it was time for business and I was not fucking around. I ordered 1 sex on the beach and 2 long islands and proceeded to chug them to ensure I would be drunk by the time New Years rolled around which was in 25 minutes. So now that I have my liquid courage it was now time to find someone to make-out with. Unfortunately, this was easier said then done! So here you have me super drunk trolling around the bar looking for someone at least decent for my to kiss at midnight. So after 10 minutes of frantically searching I draw a blank, there is absolutely no one in the bar that I want to kiss besides myself.
So I go out on the patio and I saw him. He was 5’11 brown skin tone, long eye-lashes, trendy, cute, and I was positive I could pull this guy. So I walked up to the edge of the balcony and said “hello handsome, what a wonderful night for you to meet me!” he smiled and said “Is that right?” I batted my eye-lashes and said “Mmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm”. He asked me what my named was and I responded “why don’t you come inside buy me a drink and I’ll tell you”. Five minutes later I had a Midori Sour in my left hand and Marcus in my right! We danced, we flirted, we made out and then it happened. Marcus saw his hideous cousin from Atlanta lurking over by the bathroom and went to go cheer him up.
His cousin was fucking ugly and I was extremely upset that his was taking up my time with Marcus. So Marcus approaches me and he was like my cousin is sad because no one will dance or talk to him, which totally isn’t a surprise to anyone who saw him that night. Anywho, to make a long story short Marcus demanded I give his cousin some “attention” or they were going to leave the bar. I said I’ll do it if you buy me a shot, this poor sucker bought me a shot and then I said I don’t do charity work in bars and walked away…and all you bitches thought I was a sweet, innocent person, not!
Happy New Years
I have to apologize to anyone I called on New Years and either (1) had a disturbing conversation with or (2) left you a message on your cell phone crying, saying how much I love you. Apparently, I did a lot of drunk dialing that night. I was so drunk I called my younger brother and sister and started reciting lines from the Color Purple…when will I ever learn???
I need to make a run for the border.
So sometime after midnight I totally last track of time and decided I had to have some Taco Bell. Can you believe I walked from The Castro damn near to the embarcadero, which is like 30 or 40 maybe even 50 blocks in a drunken stupor frantically searching for Taco Bell. Once I finally got home I called up a friend to assist me in my Taco Bell rendezvous and proceeded to order everything on the 99 cent menu. I woke up the next morning with Taco Bell wrappers and food all over my fucking bed, the mother of all hang-overs eating Taco Bell also give me something else but that’s a whole different story. But for all of you who are looking down on me right about now I think you will be glad to know that I made it to church to pray for all of my sins.
Goodbye and Thanks for reading!
Okay, so it has been fun writing out my thoughts and feelings. But lately I haven't been getting any comments and I dont really think anyone comes to this site anymore. Believe me, I am not sad or anything like that, it was fun while it lasted. As I step into the new year I plan to make many life changes and I will not be taking lady_sings_tha_blues along for the ride. I hope all of you who ever reads this blog, if any have a blessed new year and I wish you all the happiness your heart can hold!
Smooches,
De'Aunta
