Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts from New Years

I’m Damn Old for New Years
So for some reason I wasn’t really into New Years this year. I didn’t make any exciting plans or buy a new outfit, there was absolutely no planning that went into this day at all. So I am sitting at home scratching my ass and doing nothing when my roommate comes home at 5 and he says “bitch, we are not sitting in this fucking house, lets go to The Castro!” So with our News Year plans kinda sorta set we started to get super fucked up!

Too Ghetto for their own good
So my roommate and I arrive in downtown SF around 11pm and were we kind of nervous. We had never caught public transportation to The Castro and we did have much time to spare before it was midnight. So we exited the parking garage and there were at least 30 teenaged ghetto fabulous teenaged boys on the corner causing trouble. Now my roommate and I are dressed in some of our gayest clothing and we were sure we would have to confront the thugs standing on the corner for making gay jokes. Luckily, they were so busy calling women out of their names that they didn’t even notice us. Some of their inappropriate comments were as follows and the comments after are my thoughts:
Ayyyyy bitch can I get your number...
-Lets face it what better way to get a young lady to give you her number by calling a bitch!

Ayyyyy bitch with the big booty you wanna fuck tonight?
-Finding out a young lady’s sexual plans for the night is pertinent information for any sexually active young man.

Ayyyyy hoe you have some pretty dick sucking lips!
-Giving a woman a compliment is a sure way to get her in bed!

Ayyyy bitch you makin’ my dick hella hard!
-Informing a woman that you are able to get an erection will allow her to make an opinion of whether or not she wants to sleep with you.

Faruk The Taxi-Cab Driver
So my roommate and I decided that we needed to catch a cab to The Castro because (1) we were too cute to ride public transportation (2) we were cold as fuck wearing next to nothing on Market Street looking like gay prostitutes (3) we needed to get fucked up and find someone to make-out by midnight. So I did my best Julia Roberts impersonation from “Pretty Woman” and got us a cab. Once in the cab me and my roommate proceeded to make complete asses of ourselves. We were convinced that we were going to on HBO’s Taxi-cab Confessions so we are totally giving Faruk our taxi-cab driver waaaaay too much information. We discussed anal sex, the art of a good blow job, the war on terror and believe me you haven’t fully discussed this situation until you’ve discussed it with someone from Iraq! And finally we wanted to know if Iraqian’s (if that is a real word) had big dicks…the world may never know!

Give me 1 sex on the beach and 2 long islands and make them extra long!
So once I got inside of the bar it was time for business and I was not fucking around. I ordered 1 sex on the beach and 2 long islands and proceeded to chug them to ensure I would be drunk by the time New Years rolled around which was in 25 minutes. So now that I have my liquid courage it was now time to find someone to make-out with. Unfortunately, this was easier said then done! So here you have me super drunk trolling around the bar looking for someone at least decent for my to kiss at midnight. So after 10 minutes of frantically searching I draw a blank, there is absolutely no one in the bar that I want to kiss besides myself.

So I go out on the patio and I saw him. He was 5’11 brown skin tone, long eye-lashes, trendy, cute, and I was positive I could pull this guy. So I walked up to the edge of the balcony and said “hello handsome, what a wonderful night for you to meet me!” he smiled and said “Is that right?” I batted my eye-lashes and said “Mmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm”. He asked me what my named was and I responded “why don’t you come inside buy me a drink and I’ll tell you”. Five minutes later I had a Midori Sour in my left hand and Marcus in my right! We danced, we flirted, we made out and then it happened. Marcus saw his hideous cousin from Atlanta lurking over by the bathroom and went to go cheer him up.

His cousin was fucking ugly and I was extremely upset that his was taking up my time with Marcus. So Marcus approaches me and he was like my cousin is sad because no one will dance or talk to him, which totally isn’t a surprise to anyone who saw him that night. Anywho, to make a long story short Marcus demanded I give his cousin some “attention” or they were going to leave the bar. I said I’ll do it if you buy me a shot, this poor sucker bought me a shot and then I said I don’t do charity work in bars and walked away…and all you bitches thought I was a sweet, innocent person, not!

Happy New Years
I have to apologize to anyone I called on New Years and either (1) had a disturbing conversation with or (2) left you a message on your cell phone crying, saying how much I love you. Apparently, I did a lot of drunk dialing that night. I was so drunk I called my younger brother and sister and started reciting lines from the Color Purple…when will I ever learn???

I need to make a run for the border.
So sometime after midnight I totally last track of time and decided I had to have some Taco Bell. Can you believe I walked from The Castro damn near to the embarcadero, which is like 30 or 40 maybe even 50 blocks in a drunken stupor frantically searching for Taco Bell. Once I finally got home I called up a friend to assist me in my Taco Bell rendezvous and proceeded to order everything on the 99 cent menu. I woke up the next morning with Taco Bell wrappers and food all over my fucking bed, the mother of all hang-overs eating Taco Bell also give me something else but that’s a whole different story. But for all of you who are looking down on me right about now I think you will be glad to know that I made it to church to pray for all of my sins.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 11:53 AM