Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts About X-Mas

Who Are We Kidding
So this is the time of year that everyone sits around and tries to come up with some type of New Year’s Resolution. First off what is the point of waiting until the New Year to try to better you? Why wait when you can make a positive change now? Furthermore, if it were so damn easy to make these dramatic changes in our lives why would we even need New Year’s resolutions? A few years back I decided that I masturbated too damn much and that my new year’s resolution was stop having sex with myself. Well here we are a few years later and guess what people??? I still masturbate…hell I did this morning! Just kidding yourself and the underachiever you were destined to be!

X-Mas Parking
I swear to God I cannot stand driving during the month of December. No matter where you go there are idiots who cannot drive to save their own life and their lack of driving expertise is a hazard to everyone of the fucking road. Let’s not even start on parking at a mall I sooner cut my own dick off and eat before willing driving to a shopping center and enduring the torture that is searching for a fucking park. The mere thought of driving around the parking garage at 10 miles per hour with y music on low desperately, frantically searching for that vacant parking spot to appear makes me want to kill myself, twice!

As all of you know I am a huge fan of PF Chang’s and the closest one to my house is at the Emery Bay "Shopping Center". I took my cousin there a few weeks ago for her b-day and I almost got is a bitch fight with this crazy white woman. So this is how it started I driving and the parking lot scanning for an open spot when I spot one. So I step on the gas to make to my spot but the white bitch tries to swoop in on my spot thinking that I would just let that shit go! I we are both in front of the parking spot and she is talking shit and her car and so am I, the conversation went like this:

Me: Excuse you this is my spot
Crazy Bitch: I don’t see your name on it.
Me: Ummmm regardless I was here first!
Crazy Bitch: No you weren’t, so move your car
Me: Fuck that! Move your fucking car!
Crazy Bitch: Who do you think you are, fuck you move your car
Me: Honey, I guess we’ll be here all night cuz I aint moving.
Crazy Bitch: Neither am I.
So we sat there for 6 whole minutes giving one another the stare of death. Se eventually wore down and I got the parking spot!

White Elephant Gift Exchanges
Who the hell came up with the ridiculous fucking idea? We already have to spend money on all the losers in our lives now we have to take time out of our busy schedules to shop for lame gag gifts under $20 dollars, lame! Lately I have experienced that a lot of you bastards don’t know what the hell white elephants. Well unfortunately neither do I but I do know that you are not supposed to go out and get glamorous ass gifts that makes everyone else feel bad for getting/bringing crappy gifts.

I recently went to a x-mas party and of course it included a white elephant gift exchange. Everyone bought expensive gifts that were really well thought out. However, me being me decided that I would go in the opposite direction. I had this black gay porn VHS yes that’s correct I am the last person in the United States to not have a fucking DVD Player. Anywho, the porn is called "Black Devils" and it is horrible! Although the men on this tape are cute they are ashy as hell this includes their hands, ass, balls, and penis. They don’t have fresh hairs and it’s really low budget. I took the porn rapped it in a Safeway bag and used duct tape as my tag. When it came time for the gift exchange no one wanted my ashy gay porn and it made me really sad. Yeah right! I don’t give a fuck! Fuck you and your white elephant gifts with a curvy dick, biotch!

X-mas Sales Associate
So unfortunately I had to go out and buy the only and only present I am giving the x-mas season (my mom entered me into our families gift exchange). I pulled my aunt and I had to go out and buy her a freaking gift. So I head to Macy’s to get the gift and I swear these department stores pick the dumbest people ever to be sales attendants. All I wanted to do was to buy a foot spa and get the hell out of the mall. So I go up to sales attendant Turneshia that’s right Turneshia for some assistance. Our conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Hello
Turneshia: what??
Me: How are you doing?
Turneshia: Huh
Me: Ummmm okay.
Turneshia: Can I helped you wit sumthin???
Me: Yes, I’m looking for a foot spa.
Turneshia: a foot what?
Me: Foot spa
Turneshia: We only sale clothes herre at Mervyns I mean Macy’s
Me: Well the sales paper says otherwise.
Turneshia: whatever, I’m not dealing with yo’ attitude so let me get the manager b-4 one of us gets our feelings hurt.
Me: Honey, I suggest you do so before you do get you feelings little.
Turneshia: Uhhh Uhhh girl come over here I’m taking me break, I’m done
Then manager comes and tells me to leave the store for harassing his sales employees. I hate the holidays!

Phone-a-Santa
So instead of taking your kid to the mall and talking to good ol’ Saint Nick you can now deal a phone number and your child can now talk to Santa from the convenience of your home. I kid you not; Phone-a-Santa was featured in the New York Times yesterday. Kids and parents alike are so fucking lazy that they are not even willing to drive to the mall and talk to Santa Claus face to fucking face! This is ridiculous, this only fuels my belief that kids are the spawn of Satan and should be wiped off the face of the Earth!

Where Did Santa Come?
Has anyone ever pondered where jolly ol’ Saint Nick comes from??? Does anybody remember that movie with Dudly Moore and Santa Claus and he made that toy machine but the year Santa used it all the toys were broken???

Santa Baby
Okay so my favorite Christmas song is "Santa Baby" by Earth Kitt. I swear this song is a fucking mess and I love ever minute of it! Its sexually and gives the idea that she would do Santa to get fancy gifts. Hey, I’d fuck Santa if he got me a 2006 coke white BMW X5. Who am I kidding I’d fuck Santa if he brought me a McDonald’s Happy meal!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 4:22 PM