Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thougts (from a funeral)

It has been said that laughter is the best medicine for a broken heart. My Uncle Johnny recently passed away and he was my favorite uncle. I hadn’t seen him in a while and I am extremely sad that I did not to see him one last time. Anywho, these are my thoughts while attending his funeral.

So my Uncle Johnny passed away 3 weeks ago and I attended the funeral and I cant even tell you how ghetto fab-u-lous it was! He worked for Chevron and as a result of poor employee safety regulations he died at 37 and almost all of his organs were either severely damaged or a replacement. My Grandmother was really shaken up by the death of my Uncle Johnny who was her youngest son. When the minister came over to pray with me and my family my Grandmother got the Holy Ghost and kept shouting "I’m too mean of bitch to die! The Devil can’t handle me and the Lord at ready."

So after we calmed my Grandmother down and fixed her wig we were on our way to the funeral. In the grand tradition of black folk we arrived to the funeral late and were running like 45 minutes behind schedule. At the funeral I saw my brothers Frederick, Markee, and Christopher who are all like 6’, super dark skinned, have gold teeth, and are very ghetto. My sisters who I was extremely happy to see. All of my brothers look alike (except for me) but my sisters and me look alike so I felt more comfortable with them. I was really good to see all of them once again because I hadn’t seen my younger brother Chris in 13 years.

No doubt I was super emotional but I couldn’t be too emotional because this homeless guy decided to line up with my family and enter the funeral ceremony with us. So I am the only person who notices him and I am trying to decide if he is 1. A crazy homeless guy who has nothing better to do or 2. A crazy homeless guy who is a friend of my Uncle Johnny. I decided that I would not make too much of a deal because I couldn’t decipher between the two. So once in the church the service starts and my Grandmother once again gets the Holy Ghost and now she is at the casket hugging my uncle while crying, shouting, and rocking back and forth.

So it is time for remarks and everyone is giving a time limit of 2 minutes to say their peace and sit the hell down. Well anyone who has been to a black funeral knows that this time limit doesn’t mean crap and that black people will be up at the podium for at least 7 minutes crying, shouting, staring at the casket and doing whatever else they feel is necessary. So I am sitting and crying hysterically because I don’t do well at funerals. I am sitting next to my younger cousin Veronica and she is holding her daughter Arnesha (ugly name, yeah I know) who was very fussy. So the crazy homeless guy decides to hit Arnesha in the face and told her to be quiet. So I turn to Veronica and I asked if she knew him and she says no. So I tapped crazy homeless guy on the shoulder and told him if hit my younger cousin again I was gonna whoop his motherfucking ass!

He then stands up and walks over to the podium to speak about my uncle. This fool is staggering, slurred speech and his fly is down exposing his yellow pee stained underwear. So my brother stands up and shouts at him and then walks up to him and escorts him out. Next we have a musical selection for this gay guy who is black as tar, wearing white Versace white sunglasses (in church) and wearing a mushroom, that horrible haircut Tootie from The Facts of Life used to wear! So this guy is "singing" and I swear he sounded like Eddie Murphy’s band Sexual Chocolate from the movie Coming to America. So my brother Frederick stands up and tells him that he is done singing and to move the service along.

So then my Grandmother stands up and she gets the Holy Ghost yet again but this time she put some stank on it and I swear she could give anyone of the Soul Train dancers a good run for their money. My Grandmother got the Holy Ghost about 7 times and the final time she felt the spirit she fainted and my brothers and I had to pick her up off the floor and then fix her wig. Later during the service she passed out and went to sleep with drool hanging from her lip; poor thing she was tired from shakin her booty all day! So it is time for the minister to preach and I was really excited because he is cross-eyed and I knew I was gonna enjoy staring at him for the next couple of minutes. Well I guess no one gave him a time limit because I preached for 1 hour and 27 fucking minutes.

I swear at one point 75% of my family had left the sanctuary for one reason or another…mostly to kill time. Did I mention that we were sitting in the first 6 rows so if we leave it likes really tacky! Anywho, my older brother Frederick gets upset and stands up and gives the preacher the rap it up sign because everyone is ready to go and eat! So then I begin to see flashes in the sanctuary and I thought I was seeing things but then I look to my right and my uncle’s ex-wife is taking pictures of my uncle with a disposable camera! If that were not bad enough every time she would rewind the camera it would make that awful winding sound!

So it is time for the final viewing of my uncle’s body and once again I start to cry but luckily my brothers were there and let me cry on their shoulders. Side note: I haven’t seen my brothers and sister in over 13 years and I was really nervous to see all of them. It was really refreshing to see that even though we rarely see one another that we still have some sort of bond! Anywho, so I view his body and I say a special prayer and then I go sit down. I look up and people are posing by my uncle’s body I swear I have never seen anything like it before in my life, in my opinion I thought it was tacky.

So the funeral ended and it was a really good chance for my family to get together and see one another. I got to see my dad who I have seen and years and we actually got to talk to one another in the first time since the day before high school graduation 6 years ago. My dad and I do not get along and he did not attend my high school or college graduations. Furthermore, he hasn’t wished me a happy birthday, x-mas, new years, Easter, Passover, hell anything in the last 15 years…maybe things will change in 2006!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 11:38 AM