Random Thoughts by Deionte

The Gardener and The Rose

I was recently watching an episode of Will & Grace and Will made a comment, which really stuck with me. His comment was that in every relationship there is a gardener and rose. The gardener tends to the rose and ensures that it has everything it needs to survive and flourish. The gardener’s main purpose in life is to tend to that one particular rose. The rose on the other hand simply is. The rose does not assist the gardener in any of its duties. The rose viewed to be a thing of beauty is firmly planted in the ground and is happy to be admired in this one-sided "relationship."

Recently a lot of my friends have been breaking off long-term relationships and not that it is a surprise that some of these "relationships" are over but the rate at which it is occurring is truly odd. As I was riding Bart and listening to my new Ipod I begin to think about all the failed relationships of both my friends and myself and I was frantically trying to figure out what all of these relationships had in common.

As I sat in my seat I two things came to mind. 1 This new Ipod really kicks ass and the black guy seated 2 seats in front me is my new love interest 2. Was that the gardener and the rose analogy was absolutely right and the problem with these failed relationship was the relationship between the gardener and rose. No relationship can survive with one person carrying the weight of a relationship between two people. A one-sided relationship is destined to fail and this is a proven fact. One of the worst relationships I have ever witnessed was one where the girlfriend was constantly doing for her boyfriend. Indeed because of her hard work and dedication to him and their "relationship" they lasted years longer than they should have. My friend had the false hope that if she could "better" her boyfriend he would one day do the same for her but sadly that was her major mistake.

People like routine and it is easy to adjust to. When you are in a one-sided relationship it is easy to take for granted all that the gardener has done to make you a better person and to make the work/time/dedication that it takes to have a successful relationship seem non-existent. The little things that the gardener did to make your life easier becomes something which is expected and God forbid if they need you to carry the weight of your relationship for a while. All of a sudden the rose is expected to do something other than just be in the relationship and it is more than the rose is used to or willing to do. It is at this point that the doer or the gardener in the relationship starts to become resentful of you and your one-sided relationship. Once this happens your relationship is officially headed down one-way path to splitsville.

In my opinion the best relationship is one where both parties in the relationship tend to each other’s needs. I also tell my friends to do everything in moderation. If in the beginning of the relationship you volunteer to take on all the duties that accompany being in a relationship you are setting yourself up for failure. Again I must state that your significant other will begin to expect this from you 24/7 and when you ask the rose to assist in tending to your relationship major drama will occur. I also suggest sitting down and deciding exactly what you absolutely need to be in a successful relationship. Knowing what you are looking for in a relationship is better than playing everything by ear or seeing what happens. There is a huge difference between finding your perfect mate (which I believe is impossible) and building/finding the perfect relationship. Relationships can be built and modified to make both parties happy, however you cannot build or change a person. I would also suggest raking these reasonable needs in order of importance, know what’s a deal breaking and what is an added bonus. Someone who makes you feel special is absolutely necessary however having a big penis or nice boobs is an added bonus.

Once you and your partner begin to get serious take time out of your busy schedule to discuss what you need for your partner to have a successful, healthy, long lasting relationship. If you are upfront about your REASONABLE needs then there will be no surprises later down the road. Also start a dialogue where no subject is taboo this will give the opportunity to discuss issues as they come up with fear or hesitation. If you can discuss your issues as they arise then there is no room for resentment and the two of you can move and move forward. So in conclusion be open and honest, don’t give too much too soon, and try not to let superficial needs stand in you’re way of love. The gardener and the rose analogy is cute but remember roses always die and the gardener (doer) can move on to greener pastures.

I hope the person who requested my advice gets some use out of this.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 10:39 AM