Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts #15 (Roomie's B-day)

Birthday Card for Rommie
So I was too cheap to go out and buy my roommate a birthday card so I took my dry-erase board and decided to write him a card. I wrote him a classy card which read "Happy Birthday you sorry excuse for a black man, lazy, ugly, broke, uneducated, class-less, whorish, filthy, uncivilized, chain smoking, BITCH!" As you can see my roomie and I have a special relationship.

Alcohol Present???
So my roomie and I love a good drink and being that it was his birthday on Sunday I decided to go out and by a shit-load of alcohol so we could pre-party before we went out to celebrate. So I went to Safeway around 8:30pm on Saturday night to buy our pre-party/to go mix ingredients. Well once I got home I started watching "The girls next day" on E! and the next thing I knew I had a drink in my hand. When my roomie arrived home at 10:17pm to start getting ready to go out I was already super fucked up. What’s worst is that I had drunk most of the alcohol! My roomie called me a sorry whore and laughed because he knew my intentions were good but drunken madness waits for no one, not even the birthday boy.

3 Gays 1 Bathroom
So after getting drunk home alone by myself it was now time to start getting ready to celebrate my roomie’s b-day. Everyone was super excited to get ready but there’s was one little problem. My roommate, his god-brother, and I all needed to get ready and we only have one bathroom, needless to say shit got ugly! First off we all needed to do facials, shower, do our hair and then other parties (not me) needed to apply their M.A.C makeup. The whole makeup application process alone can take up to 30 minutes. I tried to wear makeup and it works wonders but I tend to dance and sweat and the next thing I know all my makeup is on my fucking shirt! The samething happens with mascara, I used to be a big fan of mascara until I sweated off my makeup and I looked like a fucking Raccoon. Anywho, there was pushing, shoving, and name calling; finally 1 hour and 54 minutes later we were all ready to go out to see strippers!

Tip Him He Can Suck His Own Dick!
So my roommate, his "friends" and I finally made it to Rumors in Hayward to see some strippers and I was less than excited. Usually the strippers at Rumors are really ugly, out of shape and sometimes they have bullet wounds! So I paid my $10 to get in and I was again less than excited to be in attendance. There are only so many black gay men in the Bay Area and I believe I have seen all of them! So I went to the bar and bought my roomie and me a big drink because being super fucked up was the only way I could deal with being out. Anywho, I some guys I used to talked to and I ignored them like I usually do and then my ex-boyfriend came and I was really irritated because he likes to stare and watch my every move. God forbid I dance with anyone because he and his "friends" will all stare and make comments; they’re a very mature bunch of men, not! Anywho, my buzz was coming down after a 50-year-old black man grabbed my ass and licked my neck I knew it was time for a jager shot or two!

So I am at the bar and I am desperately trying to get the bartenders attention so he can satisfy my alcoholic craving. As I am standing at the bar I hear one of the best sentences I have ever heard "tip this muthafucka, he can suck his own dick!" So I know all of you are wondering how can someone suck their own dick? Well my friends this task can be extremely simple if you have a 13-inch penis! No that was not a typo this man had a 13 inch penis and there mere sight of his enormous penis brings a tear to my eye. Now before any of you get any ideas I will say that I could/would never even attempt to do anything with someone who had a penis that big. But like I have said before a big penis is waaaaay better than a small penis! That’s right and if you have a small penis I suggest you do one of two things 1. Take a natural male enhancement pill I hear they work wonders! 2.Kill yourself! Anywho, Mr. 13 Inches is a porn star and so I left the fantasy of the two of us screwing at the bar along with my sobriety!

You’re Gayness Has No Boundaries
So after lusting after Mr. 13 Inches I bumped into this super gay boy from my Alma Mater El Cerrito High c/o 98. Now this guy is gayer than I could ever dream of being and yet he is under the misconception that no one knows he is gay. How his brain can support such an unbelievable concept is way beyond me. This guy is so gay that I made fun of him for being gay in high school. Well actually I never made fun of him out loud but in my mind I insults occurred often. Anywho, he claimed to be a model even though he is 5’6, average looking and is losing his hair. And unlike when white guys lose their hair they can do a comb over but for us black men we’re pretty much screwed. So I asked him what modeling agency he worked for and he said he couldn’t remember. Hmmmm now I’m no model although I should be (lol) but I think models should remember the name of their agency. Plus since models are stupid don’t they make the names incredibly easy so they wont forget the name??? Anywho, this guy was a complete mess and I decided to avoid him for the rest of the night. It was until later when I found him trying to put his hands down my pants did I see him again. Thank God I stopped drinking at 1am of I totally would have went home with him that night. I’m super easy when I am drunk!

White Chocolate
So I had a really good friend at high school named Miranda we were in Dance Production together, we failed Geometry together (fuck Mr. Lawler), and we had bad attitudes together. I got to eat Chevy’s with her yesterday and it was good times. Isn’t it weird how you can lose contact with someone and then come back together and it is as if nothing ever changed? I believe that is a true test of friendship, when you can lose contact and come back to one another and still have that connection. However, isn’t it super uncomfortable when you see an old friend and you have absolutely nothing to talk about and all there is is awkward silence and fidgeting. This is the reason I avoid going to certain places in my hometown, so I can avoid seeing people I never want to see again until our 10 year reunion and I have taking over Oprah’s title as the Queen of daytime talk-shows!

Officially Over You
So last night I went out to celebrate the final hours of my roommate’s birthday. I didn’t want to go out but I felt obligated to do so. We went to The Bar on the Castro and it was average in everyway possible from the music, to the drinks, to the people, to the time I was having there. So when I went out to the patio I saw my roommate talking to my ex-boyfriend and I was very unhappy to see him. We had an extreme relationship in the sense that with us things were either really good or fucking disastrous! I’ve never had those kind of feelings for anyone in my life and no matter how hard I tried I could never fully get over him. All he would have to do is touch me or whisper in my ear and I would totally go for any of his bullshit. I knew that I needed time away from him so I stopped going to places where I knew he would be. I would leave early to prevent us bumping into one another and me possibly going home with him. Whenever he would come around me I would become very unpleasant to be around which in return would make him want to leave. But last night was different; I did not want to be mean, I did not want to leave early, and oddly enough I wanted to talk to him. After all his was my
boyfriend and I enjoyed the few good times we shared.

So I gathered my courage and I walked over and sat by him, we greeting each other and proceeded to people watch. A few minutes later I felt his hand on my ass and I immediately started to think of what life would be like with him again. But all of a sudden I remember how life actually was when I was with him and let me tell you that it was less than fulfilling. I pulled away from him and he immediately pulled me back into him. I tried to remove his hands but for his size he is very strong or maybe in the back of my mind I didn’t want him to let go. I panicked and told my roommate that I needed to remove myself from the situation but it was at that very point that I made a realization. Even though I still found him somewhat attractive those feelings of lust, love, and delusion was no longer present. Those strong feelings of emotion were gone and it was not my feelings I was trying to escape it was the thought of what I might do in a brief moment of weakness that I was afraid of.

I politely as my ex outside so we could talk and you wouldn’t believe the look of excitement on his face. Usually when I asked him to talk we would usually end up doing more screwing than talking. I exposed all the feelings and pain I had went through and so did he. We laughed, we argued, we stood in silence. At the end of the conversation I told him that I enjoyed his company and maybe somewhere down the road we could be friends, which was something that we never allowed each other to do before. He agreed and then we had a long hug which I felt really good, he asked if he could spend the night and I declined his often.

…I’ve come a long way!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 1:43 PM