Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts #12

Crinkled hair
So I went to my cousins 25th b-day celebration and it was a wonderful event, it’s always good times hanging out with family. I was having the time of my life with it happened. The hostess walked past me with crinkled hair! Calm down ladies I know exactly what you are thinking. What kind of monster of a hairstylist would do something so heinous to one of their customers? The mere thought of her dry crinkled hair makes my stomach turn. But I have terrible news to report. Brace yourself ladies but she purposely styled her hair that way and what’s worst is that she did it herself. Calm down everyone I’m sure you’re as upset as I am about this horrible situation. In need all of you to pray hard and long about this situation. I am positive that if enough of us pray, God will answer our call and deliver that poor confused soul from dry, over-processed, crinkled hair.

Chili Disaster
So I made Chili on Tuesday and once again my roomie and I are paying for one of my stupid mistakes. I made the biggest pot of chili known to mankind and my roomie and I have been consuming this shit for 2 days str8. I have gas coming out of all three holes in my body. I can’t even describe the gassiness going on in my perimeter. This morning I was standing up on Bart and I was trying with all my might to hold in my gas. Sadly when the train hit a sudden bump I let one rip. Everyone started to look in my direction so I did the only thing I could do. I blamed it on the old Asian man who was asleep sitting in front of me.

Old Man Balls
So Tom Cruise and Katie, whoops I mean Kate Holmes are pregnant. First of all why does the media report pregnancies as their pregnant. The last time I checked men were still unable to have babies. Thank God for that fact, I can’t evening imagine how many baby-daddies I would have racked up by now with all of my late night shenanigans. Anywho, I think it’s absolutely gross that Kate Holmes is fucking Tom Cruise. Tom is as gay as the day is long and if anyone should be screwing Tom Cruise’s old man balls is me. That’s right I should be the one screwing Tom! When will I get a chance to have the spotlight. Katie Holmes must die and die she will. There’s no way I’m gonna let that evil bitch take a rich, gay man from me. Wait a minute. What the fuck am I ranting about?

Fiona Apple
Extraordinary Machine, which is Ms. Apples new CD, came out on Tuesday and you know I went to go get it. It’s a wonderful album however it was not what I was expecting. Fiona Apple used to be sullen, depressed and very pissed off little white girl, that was one of the reason why I love her soooo fucking much. Anywho, somewhere since she recorded her last album Fiona has found happiness and it has dramatically affected her music. She’s all happy and shit and I don’t really know if I can deal with it. At first Mary J. Blige lost hella weight and started singing happy music and now Fiona will follow suit. I can’t deal with this shit; I need my favorite recording artist to be sad and suicidal. Geez, Am I the only person with any musical integrity left on the planet???

Why You Trippin
So the other day I went to my favorite fast-food joint which is Wendy’s and I order my usual Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, biggie fries, and crispy chicken nuggets with bbq and honey mustard sauce. Side note: I am a honey mustard whore and I do anything to taste some good honey mustard! So I get my food and I’m all happy and shit and I begin my drive home to enjoy my snacks! Side note: I fucking love snacks and I do anybody for a tasty treat…that reminds that I want some rice crispy treats. Anywho, I make it home and I’m ready to devour my snacks. So as I enter the gate to my apartment the cute black str8 boys are out on their porch and they were probably watching me and making gay jokes. I try not to pay them any attention plus like I said I had my snacks on my brain. As I walk up the steps I tripped and fell and my snacks went flying out of my hand. Yes this is a true story and it happened in front of the cute str8 boys! I was frantic. Hysterical. Bewildered. All I could see was my delicious fries scattered about right in front of me. I did the only thing any prideful gay man would have done. I grabbed my snacks went in the house and ate the rest of my snacks before they got cold.

ANTM – Silly Lesbian
So I hate Kim that lesbian bitch on America’s Next Top Model. First of all how do you audition to be on a modeling contest reality show and not know how to apply make-up or walk in heels? Hell I can do both with my eyes clothes. She really gets under my skin and hope she dies a slow, painful death! Better yet I hope her girlfriend leaves her for a man, with a really big penis!

Leave your business cards at home
Okay so once again it is time of the year. This is the weekend where Chico State alumni come back to visit the school that taught us how to do beer bongs, chug, ride mechanical bulls and for some of us how to successfully complete the walk of shame without a soul seeing us! Of course there is that one other small thing we all have in common, is it a 4.0 GPA’S, no. It is a hunger for knowledge, nope! Could it be will to be successful in a cutthroat professional world, hell to the nah. What we all have in common is our lustful desire to be absolute hammered this weekend!
However, this weekend is not all fun and games. If you are Greek you get a chance to go back and see how the newer pledge classes have screwed up your organization and all you can do is sit back in disbelief. If you’re lucky enough to still have an active chapter to come back to you will once again get to bask in the glow of baby-boomers bragging about how much fun Chico used to be in the 80’s and how fucked up they used to get. Yeah, yah we’ve all heard the stories, shut the fuck up and buy us some free shots!!!!

Once at the bars I advise everyone to wear a belt. You’ll need this accessory to hold the murderous rage coursing through your veins. It’s neither the scenery nor the alcohol that will make you sick. It’s the random douche bags that feel the need to hand out business or say, "hey this round is on me." Yea we all know you’re the Junior Vice President at Enterprise Rental Car aka sales boy…big fucking whoop! The other downside to Alumni Weekend is conversations with people you wish would die. We never spoke while we were in school, why the hell do we need to speak now? Let’s not forget the run-ins with people you used to be friends with but now all you have is an awkward hello.

As for me, I am looking for to seeing my real friends. You know the people you talk shit about but couldn’t stand to live without them in your life. I’m looking forward to chilling at Franky’s and Riley’s and allowing all the shit talking and backstabbing to role completely of my back. Don’t get me wrong I love Alumni Weekend, where else can I get a giant Long Island for $3.75 yes that right $3.75. At first I was really stressed out and I thought I needed to go shopping and buy new clothes to impress people I really don’t give a shit about. But then I came to my senses. I’ve decided to come to Chico without flashy new clothes, with my jeep unwashed, and my business cards will be exactly where they belong @ work collecting dust!
PS. Free shots are always welcomed!

Murderous Rage…nice girl at work
The nice bitch at my job that I was telling you about made me Oatmeal Cookies! That’s right this bitch baked cookies. Who does nice shit like that for random people? I think she’s up to something. I think she is some type of evil woman sent here to destroy me. Well if that bitch thinks I’m going out like that, well then she has another thing coming! I’ve survived fanny-packs, hammer pants, my 21st b-day in Chico and by God I will survive the evil doings of the nice bitch at work!

As you can see I’m really excited to get off work and begin to get ready to Chico Alumni Weekend 2005, baby!

Be on the lookout for Random Thoughts from Chico. Last year I had a threesome, almost got a DUI, almost got into 3 fist fights, and had some white trash people try to a Rodney King on my ass!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 3:16 PM