Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts (from this weekend)

BSB Go Away
So the Back Street Boys are back and I am less then excited. I used to be a huge BSB fan but at this point in time I believe there is absolutely no point from them to come back and torture us with their horrid "music." Although I still think Kevin Richardson and Howie Dorough are really cute. OMG, I remember their names this is not okay. "Back Streets back alright!" Stop that! "Quit playing games with my heart!" I will "as long as you love me" ooohhh my God this is "larger than life"…all my ex BSB fans will get this post =)

Gap V-Necks
Ok I so went to The Gap the other with my two favorite whores in the world and I found the cutest v-neck sweaters. I got them in chocolate and baby blue and they were only $17.99 each…SCORE!

Meg Ryan
So I was watching You Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks and it is one of the best movies ever. The movie is about this woman (Meg) who owns a bookstore her dead mom opened years ago and later a major company owned by Tom Hanks dad puts her out of business. Some how Meg and tom meet online and start an online friendship even though Meg’s character hates Tom Hanks character in the "real world". Lots of shit happens in between but the movie ends with the 2 characters hooking up while this guy sings "Somewhere over the raindow." You’d have to have a heart of steel not to cry at this fucking movie and I was no exception I cried like no other for at least 15 minutes after the movie.

So later that night I couldn’t sleep and I turn on the TV and who do I see? Would you believe that I was watching HBO and Ms. Ryan was on TV naked popping her coochie with some police officer. Wasn’t she like America’s white sweetheart or some shit like that? Now she’s naked fucking random men in this horrible movie. Get it together, whore!

You Crazy Asian Woman
So I was walking to Jamba Juice this morning and I saw this Asian woman wearing gloves and one of those masks that Michael Jackson wears over his mouth and nose. At first I started to laugh because this woman is a fucking nut case, hmmm being that I have a psych degree maybe I shouldn’t used the term nut case. Okay this woman was fucking out of her mind! But then I started thinking maybe this bitch knows something that I don’t know. What if I need to be wearing one of those Michael Jackson mask as well! Then I got really irritated, this woman was a douche bag. If she knows there is something in the air shouldn’t she tell or warn others of the danger they could be facing? I decided to think her a lesson.

So you know how everybody is scared of black people? Don’t even lie and say you’re not because it’s a know fact that there is nothing scarier than a mean looking black man. Anywho, whenever I walk past a woman or their car they do one of two things. 1 they lock their car door as if the would stop me from breaking into their car or 2 the clutch their purse as if that would stop me from taking their purse if I really wanted it. Anywho, I started walking really close to her just to make her uncomfortable. Now that bitch knows how it feels to be uncomfortable and nervous.

Sweaty Beast
So I was at my old church on Saturday for a reunion concert and it was a wonderful event and I am extremely happy that I went to church on a Saturday night! The choir sounded wonderful and it was fun to have all the men who used to hit on me when I was a little boy try to hit on my now that I am a drop dead gorgeous man! Unfortunately, the church was packed and it was hot as hell. I tried everything I could to keep cool but nothing worked. So while in the restroom I look in the mirror and what do I see under my arms? That’s correct, I see the largest pits stains ever! I was extremely annoyed but there was soooo many good-looking black men at this concert and instead of making good conversation I would be trying to hide my sweat stains. But lucky for me I remembered rule #5 of the gay handbook, which is always be prepared! I went to my car and changed into the extra shirt I had in the backseat and no one knew of my little mishap except you whores!

Revenge Will Be Mine
So I went to the bank on Saturday and withdrew $560 to pay my car note, insurance, and pay my cell phone bill. I put the money in an envelope and drove to the carwash to have my car detailed. So I park my car and I see my cousin and we start to gossip and eat snacks with is my favorite thing to do. But the Mexican guys who were washing my car they kept looking over at me and it started to make me uncomfortable.

After doing a half ass job washing my Jeep they tell me that my car is ready for pickup. After inspecting my Jeep I told them that that was bullshit and for $25 they needed to do a better job washing my car. As they started rewashing my car I realized that I had left my money in my jeep! I run to my car and sure enough my $$$$ was fucking gone! I went to the manager and told him if I did not get my $$$$$ back there was gonna be some ass whoopings handed out by yours truly. He left to talk to the bastards who worked on my car and came back and said that no one had my money.

I called my mom and she told me to call the police, which I did. When the policewoman arrived she questioned everyone involved. She told me that she was positive that someone had stole my money because everyone knew where the money was located even though I never mentioned where is physically was. She told me it was nothing that could be done because the car wash had a sign stating that they were not responsible for any stolen items. She said the only thing I could do was take them to small claims court. That was a cute suggestion but I have something better in mind…

HOLLOWEEN
Okay so Halloween is 42 days away and I know exactly what my costume will be. I wouldn’t dare tell you bitches because if you stole my idea I’d cut you balls or vagina off (which ever one applies to you). But I will say that it involves me wearing booty-shorts that only cover 50% of my ass! With that being said I need to go on a diet and I need to do it ASAP. I don’t do regular healthy diets because I prefer not to do things by the book. I will lose weight by running, exercise, eliminating fast food from my diet and eating only chicken, applesauce and nutria-grain bars! This diet will probably cause me to kill someone with my bare hands but I’ll look hot for Halloween, God I love the holidays!

Saturday Night
I Saturday after attending church I went home to get drunk and go see some strippers! I know what you are thinking and I say who are you to judge me? Anywho, after deciding what to wear I started to get fucked up by drinking cran-apple juice, sprite, and green apple twist Smirnoff aka A Purple Lady! My friend came to pick me up and it was off to the strip club. Once we arrived at Rumors we saw that earlier it had been Hayward’s Gay Pride festival. The wonderful city of Hayward had closed off an entire block for the gays to congregate; it was a sad sight to see.

Anywho, I saw my ex-boyfriend lets call him Crotch Sucker and he was less than happy to see yours truly. He rolled his eyes and made a rude comment. I flipped him the bird and told him to suck me sideways. Once inside Rumors I saw this asshole that had courted me for a little over a month and then suddenly realized that he had been in a fucking relationship for 2 fucking years. He walked up to me and asked if we could be friends I politely told him to suck shit through a tube. I was in desperate need of a drink to calm my nerves and my friend could sense my irritation. We scurried over to the bar and ordered two Midori Sours and two Sex on the Beaches. My friend and I were now officially fucked up and ready to dance.

Once on the dance floor we started gyrating and rubbing our bodies together and doing other raunchy stuff people with class usually don’t do. Then guess whom I see? Yep, it was the UPS guy all over some nasty 30 something year old guy with heinous corn-rolls in his head. UPS guy approaches me and offers to dance with me; I was less then willing to take him up on his offer for one reason. The UPS guy can’t dance to save his life. You know how they say all black people can dance, well he proves those people dead wrong! I want you picture the worst white guy you have ever seen dancing, now picture him dancing 100 times as worst. Now imagine him as a black, 5’11, muscular UPS worker and you’ll the perfect image of UPS guy dancing. I needed some air so I went to the patio to catch up on all the latest gossip. As I enter the patio Crotch Sucker comes up to me and mumbles something under his breathe. At this point I’ve had enough of his bullshit and I’m ready to fight. Lucky for him a cute guy rubbed against me inappropriately and that put me in a good mood.

After the club the Crotch Sucker makes another comment and I call him out to fight because I’m drunk and I am tired of his bullshit! He ignores me and I call him a pussy and that was that. I make it home and I super drunk and I all I wanna do is go to bed. I didn’t wake in until 12:30pm so I couldn’t go to church! I was so hung over that I didn’t get out of bed until 4pm and I didn’t eat until 6pm. I’m not drinking again until Chico’s Alumni Weekend…I’m getting too old for this shit!

Quote of the day: "Don’t fuck with me fellas, this isn’t my first time at the rodeo" Joan Crawford – Cursing out the executives at Pepsi for trying to buy out her deceased husbands share of the company.

Jessica Simpson
I am still over Jessica Simpson and I think she should be shot for the awful outfit she wore at the 2005 VMA’s

Mariah Carey
Put some fucking clothes on! Christ, someone should tell her it is not appropriate for a 35-year-old woman to show her cooter 24-7. Ms. Carey should also stop trying to dance; I swear she dances so bad that the UPS guy could dance circles around her.

Kanye West
Can his cheeks get any bigger???

America’s Next Top Model Drunk-fest
So ANTM starts this Wednesday and I want all of you to join me for an ANTM Drunk-fest. All you have to do is watch the show and chug whenever one of those stupid bitches starts to cry because modeling is going to change their life! I guarantee you by the 2nd commercial break you’ll be shitty drunk. Your other option is the chug whenever Tyra Banks goes from being "white-washed" to a sassy black woman. This bitch can flip the script in like 1 second flat it’s amazing!

Ying Yang Twins
Have you ever seen these two country idiots give an interview? I swear they’re both mentally ill!

Taradise
PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE watch this show. Tara is one of trashiest women in Hollywood and I am still confused as to why she is a celebrity. Anywho, Taradise air on E! and Tara is pretty much wasted the entire time, lots of fun! Best quote from the show is when Tara talks about politics and it goes a little something like this:

Tara drunk off her ass: The war is lame, man
Tara drunk off her ass: Can’t we just have peace in the Middle East?
Tara drunk off her ass: Mr. Bush your wrong
Tara drunk off her ass: War is bad
Tara drunk off her ass: lets not kill our soldiers for gas
Tara drunk off her ass: let’s leave the Middle East alone
Tara drunk off her ass: ooohhhh wait where’s my drink?
Tara drunk off her ass: eeeewwww I would never make out with another girls

And then she falls over.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 11:55 AM