Random Thoughts by Deionte

Deception and Sabotage

So once again I am faced with a dilemma and I have know idea what I should do. Once again I have a really nice man who is interested in me and for some reason the thought of going into a relationship with him does not feel right. Actually I know actually why I feel uneasy about going into a relationship with him. This guy is almost everything I could ask for as far as appearance goes but it’s his personality traits I can’t get past. He is really shy, quiet and very conservative and I don’t possess any of those traits. I always hear that opposites attract so one would think that we would compliment each other fairly well. But unfortunately this isn’t the case; well at least for me it isn’t the case. He can’t understand why I am often hesitant to go out on dates with him or I am overly cautious about what I say to him so I don’t lead him on. But for me I need a man who is more aggressive and knows or better yet wants to take charge of any situation we are in. In every aspect of my life I am the dominant or aggressive person and I accept this role whole-heartedly. But in a relationship I don’t want to be the aggressor I simply want to relax and go with the flow. Whenever I am with Mr. Man every decision has to be made by me and I simply cannot deal with indecisive man. What’s weird is that I think he is too nice a person for me to be in a relationship with. I need someone who will put me in place because often I loose myself or forget my home training and need someone to remind me and I don’t think Mr. Man has the heart to do this.

Sadly, I believe that everything I wrote above is bullshit and the truth is that I scared or feel that I am not worthy enough to have someone love me. So instead of just going with the flow I make up excuses for why things will never work and sabotage any possibility for a healthy relationship. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would actually complain about someone being to nice or good for them to be in love with. I am not saying that I am in love but I am saying that I believe that subconsciously we often refuse ourselves happiness by scaring away any man who could possibly love us and our many, many imperfections. I can’t help but to laugh as I make this observation and wonder what’s going on in my brain subconsciously. I majored in psychology and it’s fairly easy for my to take apart my thoughts and the thoughts of others and find the deeper meaning. But I still find it extremely odd that even when I know what I should be doing or I am supposed to feel that never really comes into play. Well I guess it’s time for me to have a self-love (not masturbation) and read a couple of self-help books! Things will most likely not work out between Mr. Man and I but I have to believe that the one is waiting for me and that it is just a matter of time until our paths cross.

...to be continued

Deception and Sabotage when be a series of postings on my relationship mishaps, drama, and feelings. The format will be a lot like my Random Thoughts series.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 12:08 PM