Random Thoughts by Deionte

The List

So A few days ago I found myself in a familiar situation. I had just ended a relationship and instead on dissecting the relationship to see what went wrong I decided to go into "man-hate" mode. You know the usual I don’t want a boyfriend, I hate men, what do they want from us, I wish I was straight train of thought. But after I getting 2 of my wisdom teeth removed I had more than enough time to sit at home and think about why I am no longer in a relationship.

After taking in the entire situation and trying to see things from Gary’s side; I realized that our relationship was doomed from the beginning. A while ago I made a list of everything that I was looking for in a man and believe me this list was long and very descriptive. However, after further review I decided that the many superficial aspects of my list needed to go because they were 1. Unnecessary and 2. Superficial and would not contribute to me being a happier person. I stripped my list down to the bare necessities and while I will not name the content of this for you to view, trust me it was nothing that was out of reach in this lifetime.

However, there was one thing standing in my way; me. I needed to hold or stand steadfast to my list and trust that these characteristics I had listed as must-haves were indeed must-haves for me to be happiness in a relationship. A few weeks later I met Gary and he was almost everything that I wanted in a man. But the problem was that he was almost what I wanted but he was not the complete man that I needed to be happy. But me being me I decided to give him a try even though in the back of my mind I knew that he wasn’t the one for me.

So now I am in this relationship with a man I am trying to convince myself that I am meant to be with. So instead of getting to know Gary better and working on our relationship I was busy trying to get Gary to be the man he could never be. This was unfair to Gary and it was unfair to myself because I wasted valuable time with a man who wasn’t for me. Every time we would meet there would be some sort of underlining resentment from me because Gary was not the man I wanted to be with and even though Gary was willing to compromise to be in a relationship with me I was unwilling to be settle and except him for him. And why should I have to? In the end the man who once adored the ground I walked on was now bitter, unhappy, and very pissed off at my constantly trying to change him.

So after breaking up with Gary and blaming him for everything that went wrong I realized that in all of my recent relationship failures it was not the other party who was to blame. It was me and I now take full responsibility for my actions. Upon review of all of my relationships over the past 18 months I realized that I had pushed all of those men away because I came into the relationship settling for something I did not want and I spent all my time nagging and trying to make them the man I really wanted to be with. But I now realized that you cannot change a grown man and furthermore it is not with the time and trouble to even try.

So at this point in my life I have yet again revised my list so that it contains the essence of what kind of man I am looking for. And instead of trying to mold the wrong man into something that he is not, I am eagerly preparing myself for the man who is a right fit for me and only me.

Instead of hoping into bed with any man who might fit the criteria of what I am looking for I have decided to take things slowly. It is now time me to stop whoring around and allow someone to get to know that De’Aunta that all of you already know. I am putting out positive energy and it is coming back to me full circle. While it is true I do not want a relationship and this moment in time I am not willing to give up or pass up a good man because of previous relationship battle wounds! As usual there are a few guys in the wings waiting for their chance but this time around I am holding on to my beliefs and hoping that something more than sex will come out of one of these friendships I am starting to form…wish me luck!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 3:31 PM