Random Thoughts by Deionte

I Digress...Once Again!

Again I pose this question. What does it take to make a healthy relationship? The answer to this question seems so elusive. I also wonder if it is even possible to have a healthy, loving relationship. To date I have yet to see a relationship that I envied or one that seems to be beneficial to both parties involved.

When I first graduated from college I had all these superficial requirements of what a man needed to possess to be with me. But after a slew of failed relationships and heartache I realized that I needed to review what I was looking for in a man. Furthermore one of my Aunties told me that you attract what you are and this statement weighed on my mind for some time. Meanly because if this statement was true then I am a cheating, low-life, who has no concept of the truth! So after taking an in-depth look at myself I found that statement to be grossly untrue and quickly discarded it.

But still here I was all alone and wondering why bout of loniless had decided to hang around me for so damn long. But as I took a look at everyone around me I noticed that they two were just as unhappy as I was, if not unhappier! But it was still a mystery as to why we were actually unhappy. For the most part everyone I hang around is college educated, attractive, funny, and somewhat financially stable but yet we were all single and confused as to what to do change this.
So then I came back to my original question of what does it take to make a healthy relationship? But then I pondered well what does it mean to be in a relationship? And why is it so hard to even find someone who is even remotely interesting enough to start a relationship with. I striped down every thing that I thought I was looking for and it came down to these qualities or characteristics that I was looking for must have sense of humor, intelligent (which doesn’t translate into being college educated), goal oriented, self-starter, financially stable (can pay bills…nothing extravagant) and in shape. I don’t believe that these are things that of outlandish or impossible to find but yet here I am single AGAIN!

I met Gary and we seemed to hit it off perfectly. We could talk for hours on end and there was never an awkward moment where I felt there was something that I could not share with him. We made each laugh and we also had a sexual attraction that was out of this world. But then things started to change and those feeling and all we had talked about had disappeared into thin air. Our line of communication was broken and without communication you are doomed to fail. Gary tried to repair what was broken but it was too late my feelings for him had changed. The man who I thought was so different from the rest had been exposed and I was no longer blinded by something I wanted so badly. I realized that he was just a man and that it is never a good/smart thing to put your trust, hope, and joy in a man because at the end of the day he is in fact just a man.

So what was I do with myself now that this wonderful relationship I held so dear to my heart has been broken and all of its ugly flaws have been exposed. Well I go back to the drawing board but this time I will not factor in the possibility of what kind if relationship I believe I am looking for. I am merely going to continue to work on myself. At this point in time I don’t want to engage in the process of looking for a new mate. I simply want to go back to school to continue on with my education, work on my body, start reading literature again, and enjoy all of my friends in the Bay Area while I still live in the Bay.

I am still moving forward on trying to move to LA now more then ever because I believe that LA is the one place where I can go find out what I am truly made of. It wont be easy but I have found that nothing in life worthy pursuing has ever been acquired easily.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 4:20 PM