Random Thoughts by Deionte

Piece of Mind

I recently moved into my own apartment by Lake Merritt and I must admit that moving into my apartment has been one of the best decisions I have ever made! At first the mere thought of being alone with my thoughts was more then I can bare think about. I am constantly in a state of thought and I have yet to figure out how control my brain. Many times I find myself alone thinking of hurtful memories from the past and no matter how hard I try I can not change my train of thought. Sometimes it feels as if I am inflicting self-punishment on myself by constantly playing out these unwanted memories from my past.

Anywho, I moved into my apartment on the 3rd of this month and my first major obstacle would undoubtedly be staying the night in my apartment all by myself. To my surprise not only was I able to stay in my apartment alone but I was able to figure out a lot of the mistakes I was making in my life. I realized that I can be too aggressive and that sometimes I need to be able to go with the flow. I have control issues and I feel the need to always be in charge and when I am not I feel extremely uncomfortable. There is an old Christian saying which reads "let go and let God" it is so simple and yet so powerful when you think about it.

It was only when I truly started to pray with an open heart as well as an open-mind that positive changes started to occur in my life. For all too long I would take my many burdens down to the alter on Sunday morning. Instead of leaving my troubles at the alter I would walk back to my seat with more anxiety then when I entered the church. I will not quote bible verses because I find that to be pretentious and it rubs me the wrong way. Anywho, the Lord ask that you put your faith in him and only when you give yourself and well as your troubles to the Lord can your prayers truly be answered.

I realized that no matter how many blogs I write about how Mr. Man has done me wrong that I needed to take full responsibility for my lackluster love life. I now understand that part of my problem was that I was entering these "relationships" full of doubt and that is not the way to enter any relationship. Instead of using wishful thinking and being hopefully I was cursing the relationship for day one.

My Auntie Sheila always says that "you attract what you are". For the longest time I thought she was full of shit and that that saying had to be wrong. Be as I look back on my history of relationships and my state of my mind, I was in fact attracting what I was. Maybe it wasn't exactly what I was but it was damn close! When I was insecure with my body I attracted men who only wanted me for my body and nothing else. Once I graduated from college and thought that my shit didn't stink. I attracted a man who took me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life. So you see I was attracting what I was but at the opposite of the spectrum…does any of this make sense??? (Anywho, this subject will be a spin-off blog…stay tuned)

Anywho, my cup is running over with excitement because I now realize that this life is what I make of it. And I for one am not going to sit around and complain about what I don't have, I am going to go out take it. Or at least make the necessary changes to make them more obtainable. Geez, I do enjoy these moments of clarity, the only problem is following through with them so that I am not just blowing smoke up your asses!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 2:37 PM