Random Thoughts by Deionte

Random Thoughts 27

You want me to put that where?
This is what I heard this morning from my upstairs neighbors. In a previous random thought I told you how they wake me up every morning around 6:30am with their screwing ritual. Yep every weekday like clock work they start screwing and it wakes me up. The husband is this huge African guy with a giant penis. One might ask why De’Aunta how do you know he has a huge penis? Well one day I was in the laundry room washing clothes and he came in wearing basketball shorts. For those of you who did not know guys usually wearing basketball short with no underwear and because of this you can get a read of how big their penis is. Anywho, he’s African and he penis is large and in charge. His wife this poor woman is very tiny and I can only imagine what damage he has done to her…kinda like shaquille O’neal and his wife, yikes!

Anywho, the wife likes it when he talks dirty and when he talks dirty shit get extremely freaky up there. Their sexcapades rock my entire room. Sometimes it feels as if I am getting screwed because I swear I can feel every thrust of their bodies. So this morning I decided to open my window to get some fresh air and luck would have it that they had their window open as well. So he’s talking dirty and saying the usual "yeah, bitch you like that" and so on and so forth when all of a sudden I hear Awwwwwww and the sex comes to a halt. Then I hear the husband yell, "You want me to put that where!?!" It appears that they were having sex with a dildo and the wife decided to penetrate her husbands anus…OMG I love my life!

This is my bubble, please don’t pop it!
Okay, so everyone knows I take Bart to work. Everyone also knows that I hate to be around people in public places, I think I am in the early stages of forming social anxiety. Anywho, I hate riding Bart because these days’ people have no respect for your fucking personal space and it drives me crazy! So today I am sitting on Bart listening to my Nano and watching this really cute businessman type on his laptop. Anywho, I get to the North Berkeley station and a gang of people gets on the Bart. It was just my luck that this fucking hippy decides to sit next to me and I was less than pleased. First off he no deodorant on, his hair was smelly, he was a loud breather and worst he had no sense of personal space. I swear the last time I was that close to a man I lost my fucking virginity! So after two stops I decide I cant take it anymore and I turned to him and said "This is my bubble, please don’t pop it!" while drawing an invisible circle around my body. I hate people!

So You Think You Can Dance
Okay, so I fucking love the fox television show "So You Think You Can Dance" and the only thing I fucking love more than the show was the dancers Melody who had the best extensions ever! Blake who is like the perfect dancer and then there was Nick, ooooohhhhhhh Nick the who is dare I say it, the love of my life. I am not usually into white boys but if Nick ever comes to the Bay I swear I will go to jail for stalking or harassment! Just kidding…or am I?

Anywho, I plan to audition for the 2nd season of "So You Think You Can Dance" and I just know I will make the final 16! I plan to dance to Madonna’s "Hung Up" and I am going to wear the exact same costume as Madonna! For those of you who have yet to see the video she wore leg warmers, spandex tights, a leotard, and sassy spandex shirt. Obviously I will look uber gay but that is the least of my worries. My main concern is how to tuck my balls so they don’t hang out while I am shaking my groove thang!

The Bachelor
I have found true love! Okay, so I was flipping through the TV Sunday after watching the Golden Globes for like 10 hours. When it happened, I saw the love of my life, The Bachelor. His name is Travis and he is 33 years old and everything you could want in a man aka 6’4 and an ER Doctor, hello! As I watched the show I felt my heart open up like a rose that had just started to bloom. My heart was filled with joy and my soul was full with happiness, I love you Travis! Now all I have to do is relocate to Tennessee, found Travis and convince him that he is gay and into short, sassy black men with an addiction to boneless chicken breast. Ooooohhh chicken how I adore you. Don’t be mad, you know that you will always be my one and only true love. Anywho, I think our commitment ceremony with be February 14, 2007…I’ll keep you all updated! Wow, 2006 might be the year of white chocolate for De’Aunta!

Drive a car; drive a plane, who cares as long as I am drunk!
You guys I have some extremely sad news to report. I no longer drink like a fish and as a result my life is really fucking lame. Do you guys remember the good ol’ days when I would get drunk on The Castro and then write all about it the next day on myspace? Well those days are few and in between now! Lots of people ask me why don’t you do as many random thoughts as you used to. My reply is that without alcohol I am just as regular normal De’Aunta who does regular things like everybody else. Without alcohol there will be no late night booty calls, no dance offs on the Castro, no stealing lube from Walgreen’s and getting caught. Without vodka I might as well be (gasp) str8! What am I saying? This is crazy talk! Why alcohol stands for everything that I hold sacred and dear to my heart! I will drink again and dammit Drunken Madness shall continue, it has to continue…. hallejuah!

If God meant for woman and man to marry he would have given women penises!
My friends are about to have their lame ass commitment ceremony and instead of putting me in the wedding they have decided to have me read a fucking poem. Frankly, I think they know I look better than they do and if the put me in the wedding I will steal the show! Plus their wedding colors and white on white and everyone know I look damn near virginal will I wear all white…it’s a fact! Lol! I will not allow them to shame me into reading some lame ass poem but that’s okay because I have a plan. I’m gonna take like 3 viagra’s and wearing the tightest outfit I can find, we’ll see who gets the attention! Muuuuuuaaahahahahahahahahaha victory shall be mine! What the fuck I am talking about!?!

Please don’t take my sunshine away!
First Sex in the City, Then Friends and now Will & Grace will be going off the air! Yes people this is Will & Grace’s final season and I don’t think I can handle it. What am I supposed to do with my life without good television programming??? I live for Will & Grace and I can’t imagine life before or after it. Most of all I will miss Meghan Malally aka Karen Walker aka Anastasia Beaverhousen. She’s rich, has giant boobs, and she is always drunk. Why Karen Walker is everything I want to be. Why God? Why have you forsaking me? Why do you continue to take my beloved TV shows away from me? Damn, DAMN, DAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNN!
Get it together Janet Miss Jackson if you’re nasty (and I am)

So Miss Janet has really put on the pounds these days! I saw some pictures of her online at www.thesuperficial.com and it was not a pretty sight to see! This website is the best thing ever and I encourage everyone to go there to stay abreast of all the celebrity gossip. And if you hate Paris "flat tits, no ass" Hilton as much as I do then you are in for a treat!

Mariah Scarey get some class!
I love Mariah’s "Emancipation of Mimi" CD but I am soooooooo tired of seeing her fucking boobs and coochie every time she lives her apartment. We get it, you’re a woman and you have woman parts. Geez I have seen so much of Mariah’s body you would think I was her boyfriend or pimp at the very least! I plan to write her a nasty letter to tell her to get her shit together and to put on some clothes! Also since Mariah has so much money I think she should invest in some dance lesson. I swear she can’t even walk on rhythm. Personally I would like to take away her black card. She can’t dance and she always has white boys in her videos. Either show is your ghetto-side or get to the back of the bus, bitch!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 11:47 AM