Random Thoughts by Deionte

What's Leftover...

Current mood: amused

So anybody who has been reading my Random Thoughts for a while knows that I am not one for keeping in contact with my ex-boyfriends. It was always the case that I was so bitter and harbored ill feelings towards them so it was easier for me to pretend that they were dead. When we'd break-up I'd tell them to delete my number and I would do the same for them and if they ever saw me in public pretend as if we never met because I was surely going to ignore them. To some people this may sound childish but this was what I needed to do to move on with my life and hey, to each his own, right?

Well after writing "You made me who I am..." I started to reminisce over all of my past relationships and how they affected my life and I realized that I actually owe each and everyone of them a big THANK YOU. You see it was after every heartbreak and failed relationship that I took the time to re-evaluate myself in hopes of making me a better, stronger person and it worked. I can honestly say with a sincere heart that I am the man I am today because of the heartache I have had to endure. Because after each of those men took something from my spirit what was LEFTOVER was a better person and for that I am grateful.

I sit and I think about the person I was before my first heart-break and I literally cringe at the thought of what I used to be. Before my first love broke my heart I was young and naive. I believe that love was this magical entity that would just enter my life and everything would be okay. I believe that I my degrees were only a selling point to make men aware of my potential to commit to something and see it through. I believe that sex was all that I had to offer a man and that sex would be enough to make him stay. Finally, I believe that my self-worth and happiness was contingent on Mr. Man being in my life.

Obviously I had a lot of learning and growing up to do and after 18 months of mental abuse and sexual slavery, I finally began to grow up. Now I would love to say that one day I woke up and decided that my life was what I made of it but this was not the case. Mr. Man broke me down to my very core, exposing every single insecurity I had and when I was of no more use I was discarded like the trash I portrayed myself to be. But after months of self-reflection and soul searching I found that what was LEFTOVER was a young man who was on the road to self-discovery and 100 times stronger than the person he was before Mr. Man entered my life. I viewed my degrees as tools for me to lived the life my ancestors did not have the opportunity to live. Most importantly, I was more guarded with whom I allowed into my life and for that I say thank you to that person.

Now y'all know that life isn't that easy and of course I had to punish myself some more and decided to date yet another man who was no good for me. But this time I entered the relationship with the weight of the world on my shoulders and my relationship suffered heavily from this. I entered this relationship guarded and afraid to give too much of myself out of fear of being hurt again. I was selfish and made the relationship all about me and what I wanted or thought I wanted. Again, I thought that sex was my major selling point at this point I had yet to find self-esteem or to even believe I was attractive. But Mr. Man changed my concept of what I relationship should be. He forced me to open up about experiences that I was uncomfortable sharing. He thought me the power of compromising and why it is so important while in a relationship. Most importantly, he told me every chance I got that I was handsome, beautiful, special, gorgeous and all those other words that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. This man single-handedly changed my perception of self and beauty...dick is a powerful thing! lol! But ultimately, I had too much baggage and was too demanding and he decided that I was not worth the hassle.

But what was LEFTOVER was a man who was confident in his looks and I finally begin to except that although I will never be skinny, having "meat on my bones" was something black men actually worshipped! I had learned the power of compromise and ready to apply it to my love life and most importantly I learned that sex, my sex was special and it was precious enough to not give to just anybody and for that I say thank you to that person.

So as you can see a lot of my growth as person has come from the many learning experiences from dating various men. Because while they took a lot from me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually what was LEFTOVER was always a better Deionte and for that I am grateful. So now I am eagerly awaiting the opportunity to see these special men and tell them THANK YOU...

...my LEFTOVERS brings all the boys to the yard!

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 2:55 PM