Random Thoughts by Deionte

Act Like A Boy Dammit! (by request)

Like I said before I knew at an early age that I was gay. But I did not know that there was anything wrong with being gay. Sometimes I’ll see a little boy who in my opinion is gay and he is just being himself. That is the one thing I miss about being a little kid. You don’t really have to worry about anything or anyone. All you want to do is have fun and that is the one thing you take seriously. Unfortunately, this sense of freedom or carelessness does not last for long. At some point society and cultural aspects come into play and you must submit to them or be force to live life as an outcast. I like to think of myself a woman trapped in a man’s body. I am aware that I am a man and I try to live life accordingly (well kind of). But for the most part I don’t feel really masculine.

I have a younger cousin named D’Andre and he is really masculine and excels in sports and all other things masculine. In the fifth grade I remember my family began to make comments about the activities that I enjoyed and how they were different from D’Andre. I enjoyed double dutch, Barbie’s, and being around women and gossip. D’Andre enjoyed track, football, climbing fences and (gasp) getting dirty. I simply could not compete with that. I can climb fence because I am flexible but all that other stuff is a foreign concept to me. My mom began to buy me footballs, dirt bikes, and other masculine toys against my wishes. My dad would give me beer, make me watch television, and take me to the gym to lift weights. I was no longer allowed to sit with the women. I remember one time my mom, aunts, and granny yelled at me and told me to go outside and be a boy. Even worst when my older cousin died from AIDS my dad and uncles said he deserved to die and refused carry his casket at his funeral, which I was not, allowed to attend.

I was confused. I could not understand why everyone was becoming so annoyed with my actions and me. It was at that point that I began to withdraw from my family and cousins. I became really angry and resentful of all my cousins. I was very upset that they could be themselves and yet I was not good enough. I resented God and refused to pray because I believed that God hated me. How else could anyone explain why he would make life so hard for me? At all times my sexuality was a major factor for how I would live my life and I wasn’t even aware of the concept of sex. I did not want to live life, as De’Aunta anymore and I desperately wanted to be straight even though I did not know what it meant. I would make “potions” up in the kitchen while praying frantically that they made me straight. When my mom and I started going to church again at every alter praying from the 5th grade to senior year of high school I would pray that God made women attractive to me. It never worked.

I made my best attempt at acting straight but anyone who has known me for a while can honestly say I did a really bad job. At every point in time I was thinking to myself walk, talk, act, look, be, eat, and see like a straight man. I would observe the way other boys would act and then I would try to imitate their actions. I lied about having girlfriends, my sexual experiences, and my choice of friends all to make my family and friends think that I was straight. But I became tired and I had my last girlfriend in the 8th grade and I refused to have anymore. I hated myself because I felt that I wasn’t being honest to anyone in my life. I refused to have sex with men or boys when offered because I thought I would die immediately from man on man sex.

In the 10th grade I was approach by a boy named Andrew and he asked me if I was gay. I was startled because no one had ever asked me that question. I was frightened and said no. As I had more contact with Andrew I started to have a crush on him and I could no longer hide from the fact that I did not like women. I began to read up on homosexuality and I settled in my own skin as much as I could. I worked up enough nerve to tell Andrew the correct answer to his question and the next day on February 28, 1998 we had our first sexual experience. To this day when still have “contact”. That day was the beginning of my sexual liberation and even though I took me another 3 ½ years to come out I am completely happy being just the way God made me HOMOSEXUAL.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 12:43 PM