Random Thoughts by Deionte

Bad Sexual Relations

So I had sexual relations the other day and I can safely say that it was the worst sex I have ever had. You know how you meet someone and you have a strong sexual chemistry. Well that’s what me and Mr. Man had. The first time we met I knew that I wanted to sleep with him. Mr. Man is educated, good-looking, nice body, he has that good black people hair (his Granny is Cherokee Indian…lol), nice job and car. So after flirting over the phone and going out on a couple of dates, I felt that I had played the role of the good little “boy” long enough. I needed sex and I needed it from him. The last time we met, I could tell he wanted to do it, but there wasn’t enough time so we separated for the night and I went home touched myself.

We planned a booty call and we were both really excited. There was a lot of trash talk coming from the both of us. I’m gonna ____ you till you_____ and I’m gonna _____ until you can’t ______ for a month, just to mention a couple of things we said to each other. Oooohhh how I love dirty talk. So when that faithful day came I began to prepare myself. I naired my body so everything was smooth. I took an extra long shower, then a bath to let things marinate. Finally, I did the other things gay men do to prepare for sex and lastly I cover my body in cocoa butter. After that I did a couple of stretches to increase flexibility, which is always needed for good sex. I wore my favorite Victoria Secret boy-cut shorts, Abercrombie sweats, and a form fitting tank top (this bitch was ready for business).

As I drove over to his house in my Jeep, I listened to my freak nasty CD. This CD contains songs by Luke, Adina Howard, Lil Kim, Foxxy Brown, Petey Pablo, and lil jon. I finally arrived at his house and I was ready for some action. Once we greeted each other I offered me an alcoholic beverage and I gladly accepted. After a brief conversation he went to his bedroom to prepare the mood. When he came back I was butt booty naked, except for my ankle socks. My feet are always freezing cold during sex I think I might be anemic. Anywho, as he entered the living room I greeted him by doing the center splits. He picked me up and carried me to his room.

This is where everything goes completely downhill. First, he lit candles and incense, which was a huge mistake. I am allergic to everything and his sweet gestures sent me into a sneezing frenzy. Once I finished wiping my nose and eyes, he gently laid me on his bed. Which would have been sweet, but he sprayed his pillow with cologne. Now I am sneezing uncontrollably and my eyes are getting puffy. So after he changes the sheets and pillowcases we try to restore the sexy as P. Diddy would put it (I really wanna do Mr. Diddy). So we try once more but there are two pictures that keep distracting me. The first one is an 11x17 picture of his dead mother, which looks like she is giving me the evil eye. The second is a picture of Jesus Christ looking at me while I am in the middle of foreplay.

So after I make him take down those 2 judgmental pictures we try to screw once again. But this time my right leg falls asleep and I can’t really move. At this point we know that it is now or never. If we can’t make it work this time we probably will never try this again. So I go for it. Blowjobs, hands jobs, wet kisses, we do everything. So now we are in the process of sexual relations and it’s okay but certainly nothing special. As we are going through the motions of sex I am deathly bored out of my fucking mind. I am thinking about my grocery list, if I need to wash my whites, what I wanna eat for dinner and so on. Then I get really bored so I take all the letters in my name and try to spell new words. As he is trying to take care of business, I begin to take those words and try to place them into a sentence.
Finally we finish and he has this look of accomplishment on his face. Meanwhile I’m looking for my underwear so I can get the hell outta his house. We discussed and he said that the next time would be a lot better. I told him I’m not a big fan of giving second chances. But I his really cute and I really want to see if he can do any better. I’ll you know what happens the 2nd time around.

posted by Lady_Sings_tha_blues @ 12:24 PM